We recently connected with Sally Hassan and have shared our conversation below.
Sally, so good to have you with us today. We’ve got so much planned, so let’s jump right into it. We live in such a diverse world, and in many ways the world is getting better and more understanding but it’s far from perfect. There are so many times where folks find themselves in rooms or situations where they are the only ones that look like them – that might mean being the only woman of color in the room or the only person who grew up in a certain environment etc. Can you talk to us about how you’ve managed to thrive even in situations where you were the only one in the room?
For as long as I can remember I have been the only one in the room that looks like me. I didn’t notice it for a long time, and I went about my life being me, but when I reflect back I notice that I was met with a lot of resistance or unnecessary questions throughout my life that others around me did not have to deal with.
I’m a Mexican-Egyptian American and growing up in the 90’s I didn’t know that title was going to shape my entire life. I just wanted to be a kid and experience kid things. Growing up in a predominantly lower income white neighborhood, that just meant I was a scapegoat to the other kids because they somehow have it better than me because of what I look like. Un-American.
I grew up in a single parent home with my Mexican mom and, because she worked a lot of the time, I was left to my own devices. That left me feeling like I had to teach myself a lot out of necessity. My parents got divorced when I was 7 and my dad left the country when I was 8. My support system was almost nonexistent, and I had to depend on myself for a lot of things at a very young age.
Because I was unique inside and out, that made me a target for bullying starting around the 5th grade. I liked reading books and was the know-it-all in class. Unbeknownst to me that made me unlikable. That made me very quiet and keep to myself. When I did make friends, they never lasted very long. I longed to be accepted but that was met with betrayal and disappointment.
My sadness quickly turned to anger as I got older so by the time I turned 11, the bullying became violent. This led to my arrest as a minor because I got caught up in a street fight and my mom had to pick me up from the police station. I went from sitting in a library with books, to sitting in a police station with handcuffs in what felt like the blink of an eye. This was the beginning of my adolescence of being terribly misunderstood with no end in sight.
By the time I turned 13 I had been through much of the juvenile legal system because of fighting, stealing, and feeling like everything that happened to me was my fault. I went through numerous hearings, anger management, Scared Straight, and almost went to a juvenile correctional facility. Even though all these consequences were dire, the worst was yet to come.
I was on my way to becoming a hardened criminal even though I wasn’t even an adult yet. I felt like no one was in my corner. My mother saw me as a burden, the court system was throwing the book at me, and my teachers turned a blind eye to what was going on even though I was once the star pupil. Even though I was acting out, the scared bullied child in me was just starving for attention.
Unfortunately, by the time I hit 7th grade I was starting to embrace this newfound badass persona I adopted. That came crashing to a halt when a girl much older than me attacked me based on hearsay. She found me at a friend’s house, came on the porch and bit a chunk out of my neck. I froze not knowing what to do. Before I knew it, I was in the back of an ambulance with my mother. She asked if I wanted to press charges but because I was on probation, I knew that wasn’t an option. I knew I would somehow be labeled the problem and that would be my ticket to juvenile corrections no doubt.
The next day I was walking home and got attacked by the same girl. Not only was I injured and couldn’t defend myself, but others joined in. They were kicking and hitting me until I felt my body rolling into the street. I felt hopeless and alone and I just wanted it to end. Miraculously, my mom was on the bus in the opposite direction on her way to work. She saw what was going on and jumped off the bus to my rescue. She saved me from the cars that were about to hit me and the girls who were hellbent on destroying me. I didn’t even know who half of them were. My mom walked me home that day and that was the first time I felt like someone was in my corner. If that bus didn’t come down the street and my mom didn’t jump off the second she did, I’m certain I would have been killed. At that moment I realized my life mattered, and I was saved to do something great. I felt that innately in my mind, body, and soul from that day on.
At 13 years old I made the decision to stop fighting and drop the tough girl persona even though she helped me survive my bullying phase. I knew it would lead me to jail and I had big dreams of becoming famous. I loved writing and wanted to become a journalist one day. Once I hit 8th grade, I was deathly afraid of going to high school knowing that most of the girls who jumped me were there. What was I going to do? It felt like my options were jail or death. This is a heavy pill to swallow at such a young age. I was still getting good grades and in honor classes so that told me I’m meant for so much more than what has been presented to me.
One fateful day in 8th grade a guest speaker came in to present the different vocational school academies that were available to us as an alternative high school. There was also a brand new one called Communications High School which would specialize in all related studies, including journalism. This felt like I was being saved again. I made it a point to show interest, and I applied. When I found out I was accepted I jumped for joy. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I know being accepted to that high school SAVED MY LIFE.
Communications High School put me in a new space with what I feel were elite students. They were mostly from upper middle-class backgrounds, had a plethora of skills in sports and extracurricular activities, and seemed to be well supported by their families. Although I felt much safer at this school it was difficult to blend into that environment. Still, I was grateful I was getting a stellar education and I wasn’t getting bullied.
I was no longer at the top of my class but that didn’t matter. I was so thrilled to be around people who cared about their future and grades as much as I did. But the stakes felt higher for me. If they failed, they had a fallback. If I failed there was no net for me. I felt the pressure head on. The other caveat to this was that school was 45 minutes away and if I missed the bus at 6:15 I didn’t make it to school that day. My mom had no car and I’d be shit outta luck. My homework had to be typed and I had no computer at home. So, I took the bus to the library to do my assignments.
I worked at a food stand all summer to save up for my own computer. Noon to midnight in the sun serving food to unruly people on the Keansburg boardwalk. I was making minimum wage, but it felt good once I was able to save up my money to buy my own computer. I didn’t share this with any of my friends at school. They had what they needed to succeed and if they did have jobs, they used their money to spend it on fun stuff like clothes or going to the movies. I didn’t really have anyone to talk to about this struggle, but I just knew it was harder for me for a reason.
I kept hearing my peers talk about their struggles, and honestly, I wish I had their problems. If a boyfriend broke up with them, or they got into a fight with their parents. Meanwhile I was worrying about if I don’t graduate, I will end up on the street. And I got super close to that, let me tell you. So once college application time came, I miraculously did well enough on SAT’s to go to the school of my choice. I was happy. This felt like the first time I could live my life on my terms and not on others’ circumstances. I could reinvent myself and not feel burdened about where I came from.
No one had to know how poor I was or how much I struggled just to get a seat at the table. I could finally be like everyone else. And for most of my college career I did feel that way. In addition to this the tides were changing. It was ‘exotic’ to be mixed race, so I went with it. I studied Radio/TV/Film, joined a sorority, made friends, and lived in a dorm room. That dorm room was the first place that truly felt like home to me because I had no privacy in my childhood room. I had no door, and my mom went through all my stuff on a daily basis. I loved being able to lock my door and be left alone. Those truly were the best 4 years of my life.
I graduated with my Bachelors in 2008 and I was about to get hit by a proverbial Mack truck of reality shortly after that high of an accomplishment faded. Even though I did everything right and fought tooth and nail to get there, that didn’t mean a goddamn thing in NYC when you’re trying to enter the most competitive field imaginable. Sometime during high school, I decided to shift gears from journalism to filmmaking because I felt like the medium offered more creativity. Along with that came more popularity as well. People joked in college and called my Radio Television, and Film major, aka RTF, “Rather than Fail” because a lot of the folks chose that major as an easy path. I didn’t see it that way. This was my passion, and I took it seriously every step of the way.
I had so many rejections during the year after my graduation. It gave me thick skin as if I didn’t have it before. As I tried to kick doors down in my industry the most I could get was some internships, but I was literally starving during this time in my life. I wasn’t ready to give up but I knew I had to leave the city and figure out a new plan. I moved back to New Jersey and got a desk job while I figured out how to return to my filmmaking roots.
After 5 years of job hopping at places that were fairly miserable and had nothing to do with my major, I realized I had gained enough experience between random gigs and independent projects to start my own web series. I took some workshops to enhance my expertise and hit the ground running. My instructor said I needed a signature piece to showcase my skills and I decided that was going to be my life story, or as much of what I could capture of it anyway.
I called it Ghetto Nerd Girl, and I was the writer, producer, director, and editor of this piece. It was based on most of my major trials and tribulations as a teen. From pre-production to post-production, I noticed some major healing happening to me in the process. Coming to terms with my humble beginnings and sharing some private moments on screen that most of my close friends didn’t even know about. It was a cathartic experience as I watched the actors play out my script and I was releasing a lot of guilt and shame from all those memories. This was my way of turning a negative into a positive.
I would have been happy if it ended there but it didn’t. Ghetto Nerd Girl went on to festival circuits and made me well known within the web series community. I was known as a pioneer in the industry, and it was all thanks to my poor experiences as a child. Everything was starting to come full circle. I was embracing my past and combined with my filmmaking skills I was a true storyteller, what I always dreamed of.
After 7 years, we had two seasons of Ghetto Nerd Girl under our belt, and we racked up plenty of awards. I was set to make a third season as the pandemic started, but something didn’t feel right. Although there was more of my story to be seen, I felt like this catastrophic event greater than me was a message to halt. I didn’t quite understand it, but I went with it. I felt like I was giving up, but I had no choice. I was tired of fighting for everything I had, and I really needed a break.
Although I loved the experience of making Ghetto Nerd Girl and I wouldn’t trade it for the world, I had some major burnout in the process. Working full time and managing a cast and crew for an episodic series is no joke. I’d stay up all night to edit, take days off to film, and pretty much be available 24/7 to my team. My job performance and mental health suffered. It wasn’t until everything stopped that I realized I was seriously mistreating myself in order to produce. That had to stop, but I learned so much and I didn’t know what to do with that information.
Starting in 2019, which was the last Ghetto Nerd Girl premiere and festival year, I embarked on a personal healing journey. I took a meditation class, learned about chakras, and started doing things to heal and protect myself. Slowly but surely, I was taking better care of myself, sleeping better, and understanding what my body needed. I made a daily habit of meditating and setting intentions.
One day I meditated before work, and I set the intention of being healed from my trauma. With my eyes closed, I felt a warm light emerge from my chest and shoot out all the way to the ceiling out through the sky. It was like the Hocus Pocus scene when Winifred spots her book. I had a vision of all 4 of my grandparents who had passed, and they were removing something from me, which I believe to be pieces of my trauma that were stuck in my body. Tears streamed down my face, and I was so happy and relieved. I felt loved, cherished, and protected. Seldom have I had these feelings in my life.
After that experience I got ready for work and thought that I could not be the only one. I cannot pretend that I didn’t just have this life changing experience, but I sat at my desk and acted like it was any other day. Once the pandemic was ruling my life, I was working in healthcare, and I thought about that meditation session I had. I didn’t know how but there was a voice telling me I had to leave my job if I wanted to live. I now know that voice was my intuition.
I just started learning Tarot at this time and I felt the message was to quit my job and do Tarot full time. I thought I was going crazy, but I followed the instinct anyway. That was in 2021, and that same year I opened my LLC to do Tarot and Healing services. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I’d be doing this, but here I am helping people heal from past trauma, relationships, and blocked energy.
Every single one of my experiences has prepared me for what I do today, and I am still growing and expanding. I’m currently developing a program that combines my filmmaking talents to heal from past trauma and childhood memories. I saw how these stories healed myself and others. I’d like to share that and make a difference the best way I know how.
I now know my suffering was not in vain and this was training to help those not as fortunate as me to be saved. I embrace every part of me, and I aim to teach others to do the same. Learning to accept my past, heritage, and character has been the most rewarding experience and I hope to reach more people to show how it can truly change your life.
Great, so let’s take a few minutes and cover your story. What should folks know about you and what you do?
I currently practice my healing techniques under my LLC, Sailor Tarot Magic. I combine my love of Sailor Moon, spirituality, and Tarot to help people figure out what is holding them back energetically. You can find me at local street fairs in the Central Jersey area April through October. I also offer an Introduction to Tarot course for those who wish to do Tarot on their own. Most recently I’m developing a three to six month program for artists and creatives to align themselves with their true purpose and remove any blocks that are keeping them small.
If you had to pick three qualities that are most important to develop, which three would you say matter most?
Throughout my life I’m grateful for the fact I had access to a good education and BOOKS! When in doubt, read about a topic from someone who’s been where you want to go. I still have some go-to books that I know if I didn’t read I’d probably be in a much different place today.
Most people see stubbornness as a negative trait, but I’m so thankful for mine! If it wasn’t for my strong will and determination to reject my current circumstances I probably would have settled with the crap that life was dealing to me. Do not accept injustice in your life, and do not underestimate your power to change it. This will help you break down doors, think outside the box, and not to take no for an answer. Choose your battles wisely.
Make sure the people in your corner are rooting for you. Certain individuals may keep us around just to ride our coattails. Don’t let them. Every relationship should be balanced and have some sort of reciprocity. If you feel like you’re the giver surrounded by takers, it’s time to reevaluate whether those deserve to stay in your life.
What has been your biggest area of growth or improvement in the past 12 months?
In the past year the most valuable lesson I learned is remembering who the f*ck I am. Everyone around me made it a point to tell me what was wrong with me, why I didn’t fit in, and what I was doing wrong. Little did I know they were dimming my light. Removing these critical voices from my brain has helped me get in touch with my own intuition and access to divine guidance. We all have the answers within us, it’s just a matter of drowning out the noise. We can’t always do it alone and there are definitely tools I’ve acquired to make this easier. If you’re on your own journey to find yourself remember to be patient and kind to yourself. It takes time to heal and learn healthier habits in order not to blame ourselves or judge so harshly. Once your thoughts feel more loving, that will translate to a more loving reality.
Contact Info:
- Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/sailor.tarot.magic/
- Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/@sailortarotmagic
- Other: [email protected] For those interested in watching my web series, Ghetto Nerd Girl: https://www.youtube.com/@GhettoNerdGirl
