Alright – so today we’ve got the honor of introducing you to Sam Ray. We think you’ll enjoy our conversation, we’ve shared it below.
Sam, we can’t begin to explain how much we appreciate you sharing about your PPD experience, but we can say that so many in our community are suffering from or have suffered from postpartum issues including postpartum depression and so you sharing your story and how you overcame it might help someone who is going through it right now or in the future. What can you share with us about how you overcame PPD? For readers, please note this is not medical advice, we are not doctors, you should always consult professionals for advice and that this is merely one person sharing their story and experience.
At 17, I got pregnant just before leaving for college and had a little baby boy. I didn’t end up going to college and unfortunately, he grew up without his dad. The second my son took his first breath, he didn’t scream. He just had waves of grunts. I knew this wasn’t right but if we’re being honest I didn’t have the sense of worry. They took him away and I slept. My mom asked about him; she gave me updates and then I would sleep again. Nothing was wrong, he just needed to adjust to being on the outside. They’d come every 3 hours for me to try to breastfeed him and I tried, once. Eventually I just asked them to feed him formula, tried to get the nursery to keep him as much as possible. I didn’t want to hold him, I didn’t feel this magical connection everyone bragged about; I didn’t even want to look at him. We were discharged and I couldn’t handle his screams; he had colic. I didn’t want him to exist. I didn’t want to exist. There was so much guilt and shame because I’ve always wanted to be a mom since I was a little girl and I just realized I was a really bad mom. Still, there was no motivation to change that. It took almost 3 months for me to finally reach out for help, I believe we tried 2 different medications before I fully just stopped all of them. This is where I found my love for writing again. I found one of my old spiral notebooks, probably used for math in another lifetime. Pages bent and ripped, stains from God knows what, and there were poems in there. I turned to the next blank page and just began to write and write. Threw up all the garbage I’ve been holding onto and it felt like I could breathe again. It was like I could look at my son and love him how I always dreamt. Like the lack of oxygen to my brain fogged up my eyes and heart too. He’s 9 now and my absolute world. I haven’t stopped writing since.
Thanks, so before we move on maybe you can share a bit more about yourself?
My name is SamRay I grew up in Las Vegas with the strip as my backyard. I have 5 kids, 3 older boys and a set of twins. I am a multi-talented 27 year old and have featured at places like Cork & Thorn, Campfire, the Utah Arts Festival and many more. I also teach poetry for all ages across the valley through an organization call “Poetry Promise, inc”. I have competed in many slams across the west coast, consistently placing top 3. My poetry is truthful and raw, and I don’t shy away from heavy topics. I am currently working on 2 books and those will be released by next year. Whether it’s acting, singing, painting, photography, or poetry. My work is sure to tug at your heartstrings.
Looking back, what do you think were the three qualities, skills, or areas of knowledge that were most impactful in your journey? What advice do you have for folks who are early in their journey in terms of how they can best develop or improve on these?
One, consistency and accountability. Growing up in a poor family, you had to fight for everything you cared about, everything you want. It taught me to be consistent and accountable to myself because no one else was going to do it for me. I would never be where I am today or who I am today without them. My advice is to learn how to be fully authentic with yourself. Once you align yourself with your goals, there’s nothing you can’t do. Two, strength. Is Strength a choice? Is it a want or a need? Is it a means to survive or just a means to succeed? Is it something you can live without or the only way you breathe? For me? My dad was murdered when my mom was pregnant with me and so I kind of lost both my parents before I could even take my first breath. So strength was more of a reaction, than a choice. However, pushing into my writing career, I’ve had to make it a choice because you need strength to persevere through. It’s a hard journey, but so so worth it. My advice, find you a strong community that helps you build the muscle you need, helps hold you up when you’re having an off season, find you a family. I couldn’t have made it this far without them, they help me stay strong. Remember, it’s a daily choice.
Three, knowledge and confidence. Research everything, you need to know what you’re talking about; what you’re writing about. Knowledge is confidence and you’ll get so much further in anything you do with them.
Alright so to wrap up, who deserves credit for helping you overcome challenges or build some of the essential skills you’ve needed?
My children’s father, Shawn, has been the most helpful in me overcoming challenges, building and developing essential skills, qualities and knowledge. I have a tendency to be on the softer side. I’m more sensitive than most people I meet. I cry when I’m mad, or sad or happy or frustrated or just embarrassed. I cry. And he, is the human form of sandpaper sometimes. Shawn can be harsh and hard and rough, but when needed. He’s really taken the time to shape pieces of me that couldn’t have progressed further without a little push. Tells me things I don’t want to hear, but need to. Spins me around when I’m facing the absolute wrong direction. And gives recognition when he’s proud and he is very proud of me. He’s the only person in my life to tell me like it is and give whole truths without protecting my feelings; which I believe is a necessary step in this industry. I give so much credit to Shawn for who I am today.
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Image Credits
SamRay Connie Ann Ashley Vargas
