We caught up with the brilliant and insightful Sara Stover a few weeks ago and have shared our conversation below.
Hi Sara, thank you so much for joining us and opening up about the very personal topic of divorce. So many in the community are going through or have gone through divorce and we think hearing about how others dealt with the aftermath and managed to build a vibrant, successful life and career despite the trauma of divorce can be helpful to many who might be feeling a degree of hopelessness. So, maybe you can talk to us about how you overcame divorce?
At 39 years old, I was confronted with the consequences of not following my gut… a divorce. 15 years earlier, I married someone that I knew in my heart was not right for me because he checked all the boxes that society presented to me. There were red flags before I even said “I do,” the biggest, brightest flag being a general sense that I needed to change who I was at my core to marry him. I ignored the scarlet flag and pretended I had changed. I flat-ironed my hair and wore makeup and heels.
But as I got closer and closer to the 40-year mark of my life, the real me insisted on bubbling to the surface. The me who wanted more than being the wife and assistant of a business owner, hosting dinner parties to impress the citizens of suburban upstate New York. The me that was meant to live a simpler life as a free spirit, creative adventurer, and storyteller.
So I started writing on the side. Just freelance work to get my foot in the door and honor the real me. This shift upset a marriage built on living a lie, so it shouldn’t have surprised me that betrayal and lies and hurtful behavior were the now-ex’s reaction, culminating to him moving out while I was at a doctor’s appointment, into a house down the street from a “friend” of mine who was a little too close to him during the final days of our marriage. Incidentally, I was let go from my job as his assistant.
I spent the next few weeks crying myself to sleep. Crying not only over being betrayed by someone I did love (even if I wasn’t in love with him), but also over betraying myself by changing for someone. Crying because choosing my dream of being a writer had in some indirect way cost me my marriage. Then one day, as I dragged myself and my blood shot eyes to the kitchen for coffee before applying for a dozen jobs, I shouted to God “I can’t believe I have to start over at 40!” and an almost-audible voice said “You don’t have to start over. You GET to start over!”
After that epiphany, nothing was the same. I started applying for jobs as an editor and writer that I was under-qualified for… in other states! I started selling and giving away more belongings, living like my prayers for a new life lived as my authentic self were already answered. And any belongings that were particularly painful reminders of my failed marriage, like my wedding dress, and the journal pages where I listed every painful thing the ex did? I threw them into a bonfire I built in my backyard one chilly March night and let them go.
A week later, while standing at a trail head after a run, I got a call from a publishing company, inviting me to interview for the editor position at a tech magazine in New Hampshire. Despite all the reasons why I shouldn’t have gotten that job, I received an offer that I accepted without hesitation. A few months before my 40th birthday, I walked from my new apartment, past a pond covered in lily pads, and across the street to my new office.
On the weekends, I honored the free spirit that I’d too long neglected, throwing a hoodie, running shoes, journal, and my laptop in my car and driving off to the beach, the forest, the mountains, the farmers market… wherever the wind blew me. Don’t get me wrong, starting over was terrifying and overwhelming at times. And there was no end to the well-meaning but unsolicited and unhelpful advice that came my way during this time. It wasn’t always easy to listen to my own heart above all and walk by faith, but it was worth it.
I was living a story worth telling and sharing it in a blog I started in my free time. More importantly, I put zero effort into falling in love with a person and 100% of my energy into intentionally building a LIFE I was in love with. Someone I sensed that New Hampshire was just a stop along the way to that life. And that my soulmate was out there, and he would find me in the midst of my creative adventures.
As it turns out, he found me in a blog I wrote that a mutual friend shared with him. And he wrote me to say how much my words resonated with him! This time, my writing wasn’t costing me a the wrong relationship but watering the seeds of the right one. The response to that blog was the beginning of the best creative adventure of my life… Moving to Hawaii to live a story worth telling as a freelance writer and marrying my soulmate on a beachside trail. Barefoot. No high heels. No flat-ironed hair. No pretending I was anything but me.
The day I discovered how powerful being true to myself could be was not the day I moved to Hawaii, however, but actually the day I left New York to move to New Hampshire. I loaded up a mid-size UHaul with everything I would need to start a new life in New Hampshire. My trusty Subaru was strapped down to a trailer attached the UHaul. I’d never driven anything this massive. As I pulled onto the highway and headed east, my hands were shaking and my eyes were filled with tears. Moving to a new state, leaving “home,” driving the UHaul across three states… it was all terrifying! But as I crossed the stateline and successfully pulled into a rest stop, filled the UHaul with gas, and pulled back onto the highway, Britney Spears’ “Stronger” came on.
“Here I go, on my own. I don’t need nobody, not anybody… Now I’m stronger than yesterday. Now it’s nothing but my way. My loneliness ain’t killing me no more. I am stronger!”
It was the most empowering moment of my whole journey!
Let’s take a small detour – maybe you can share a bit about yourself before we dive back into some of the other questions we had for you?
I’m an editor and writer living on the beautiful Big Island of Hawai’i. A storyteller with roots in the farms and forests of Upstate New York, I was given my first journal at 11-years old, which I filled with stories about the adventures I dreamed up. Today, I live on Hawai’i Island, where I draw inspiration from the diversity of the island’s nature and culture, as well as from my own creative adventures. Channeling the power of the written word, I shine a light on unique stories about the dynamic people I meet and extraordinary places I discover. A versatile editor and writer, my work has appeared in the pages of Ke Ola Magazine, Hawai’i Magazine, Honolulu Magazine, HousingWire, and Bicycle Retailer and Industry News, as well as on RunnerClick.com and many other online outlets. I am also a fellow in the 2023-2024 Vibrant Hawaii Art Fellowship and a NFHS-certified high school cross-country coach in North Kona, where I live with my husband, cats, and wild chickens. Currently, I am working on my first book about Hawaiʻi’s kūpuna (respected elders), shining a light on their wisdom, their stories about our island home, and their secrets to wellness and thriving at any age.
There is so much advice out there about all the different skills and qualities folks need to develop in order to succeed in today’s highly competitive environment and often it can feel overwhelming. So, if we had to break it down to just the three that matter most, which three skills or qualities would you focus on?
Here are the ABCs that have been most impactful in my journey:
Authenticity – Choosing to be my authentic self was hard, but it got be off the path others told me to take and onto my own path. Not only has being authentic attracted the right people into my life, but it has made me a better writer. Because I am authentic and open about my journey, others open up to me and share their own stories.
Boldness – Being bold has allowed me to say YES to a job I was under-qualified for and make a move to a new state where I barely knew one person. Being bold doesn’t mean you’re not scared to put yourself or your ideas out there. It just means the possibility of what it could lead to is bigger than the fear. Being bold has enabled me to pitch story ideas to magazine editors, project ideas to potential clients, and my book idea to a local non-profit, which led to my acceptance into this year’s Vibrant Hawaii Artist Fellowship.
Curiosity – I am naturally inquisitive and can’t resist asking everything from “What if I could make a living as a writer… living in Hawaii?” to “What’s the story behind that barn I pass on my morning run? It says ‘Little Joe’s Ranch’ and I want to know if Little Joe is a real person. I’ll ask that woman at the fruit stand next door!” As it turns out, Little Joe is a Portuguese immigrant and one of Kona’s original ranchers and I can make a living as writer. Being curious about the people and places on my island and beyond has opened doors for me to write amazing, true stories about some very inspiring people.
As we end our chat, is there a book you can leave people with that’s been meaningful to you and your development?
Elizabeth Gilbert’s book “Big Magic.” The book is about creative living without fear. And the most valuable insights I’ve gleaned from the book are:
1. Ideas are alive and have a soul. They seek a conduit to the earth, like lightning does. And if an idea comes to you and you are too busy or scared to cultivate it, it will move on to someone else.
2. You are curious about certain things for a reason! If you’re not sure why, you don’t have to jump head first into finding out the reason. You just have to lean in an inch or two. You just have to start!
Contact Info:
- Website: www.sarastover.com
- Instagram: @sarastover.storyteller
- Linkedin: www.linkedin.com/in/sara-k-stover
- Other: http://patreon.com/kupuna_wisdom
Image Credits
All photos are courtesy of me, with the exception of the wedding photo, which was taken my Mikey Brown. And the photo of me holding an orange bucket, which is courtesy of Hawaii Life. I have the rights to use all photos attached.
