Meet Shelby Mayes

We caught up with the brilliant and insightful Shelby Mayes a few weeks ago and have shared our conversation below.

Shelby, so good to have you with us today. We’ve got so much planned, so let’s jump right into it. We live in such a diverse world, and in many ways the world is getting better and more understanding but it’s far from perfect. There are so many times where folks find themselves in rooms or situations where they are the only ones that look like them – that might mean being the only woman of color in the room or the only person who grew up in a certain environment etc. Can you talk to us about how you’ve managed to thrive even in situations where you were the only one in the room?

The historical answer? I haven’t. I haven’t been successful or effective in rooms where I’m the only plus size woman. I’ve been incredibly disheartened, intimidated, and lonely in rooms like that, especially in situations where I feel like I need to network. The truth is that women, firstly, already experience the pressures of proving their worth and women who don’t fit the beauty standard have an even harder time just getting someone to looks at us. I’ve spent a lot of time hiding in corners, not talking to anyone or, when I’m feeling particularly rebellious, dominating conversations with my attempts at being hilarious and/or intelligent just to prove that I have something to offer. Having been plus size my entire life, I’ve spent decades adapting how I interact with people so that I can walk away feeling successful – like I made genuine connections, I represented myself honestly, and didn’t just become a “yes, man” for the sake of being liked. The moments where I have walked away from events or parties feeling like I nailed it, were times where I walked into those spaces already feeling confident about who I was. I felt full already going into it. Fear has always been this insidiously driving force for me – fear of failure, fear of judgement – and it’s the fear of judgement that’s kept me from expressing, in real time, what I actually think or feel about something. For years, I would walk into a room, feel like the deck was already stacked against me, and use all of my energy trying to get people to like me, like that was how I’d survive. I had convinced myself that staying neutral was the best survival tactic. Which meant keeping my thoughts and feelings smothered under a little weighted blanket in the back of my body and trying not to make waves or disagree with people. If you’re familiar with this tactic, I see you, man…but, ask, yourself, “when’s the last time I made a real connection as just myself, no pretense?” I’ve learned that in order for me to feel successful in a room full of people who don’t look like me, I’ve had to redefine what I think it is to be successful. Being “liked” is not the definition of success I was raised to believe it was. The path to being “liked” was not the guarantee I was raised to believe it was. There’s an entire community out there of women who look just like me who deserve to be in whatever room I find myself in. The shape of our bodies have zero baring on what we’re capable of and fuck anyone who looks at me and assumes I “can’t” or “wont.” So, in order for me to be my most effective, I have to make a choice, before I walk through whatever door is right in front of me, to believe that I’ll be successful. Instead of overthinking about everything that could go wrong (judgement), I have to choose to believe that I’m going to be charismatic, honest, funny, that people are going to flock to me, quippy, witty, relatable, genuine, beautiful, etc. When I’m confident and full, I’m at my best with others, and when I’m at my best, I know all of those things are true. It’s only when I get in my own way and start convincing myself that I’m unworthy, no one wants me there, no one thinks I have anything to offer anyway, that I prove just that. And before you know it, I’ve got this huge pile of evidence to support my own pointlessness rather than proof that I’m just as deserving as the 6’7″ blond, fit man with the effortless smile who’s never once thought that he shouldn’t go up to that exec and pitch the new pilot he just wrote. If we really want to believe in a world where our efforts and work are what we’re judged by, than we have to adopt that same mentality ourselves even if it seems like no one else in the world is. I want to live in a world where appearance is secondary to action so I have to walk into the room believing that what I’m capable of is more important than someone else’s perception of me. And if they like me, that’s great, if they don’t, I’ll just cry about it later.

Great, so let’s take a few minutes and cover your story. What should folks know about you and what you do?

I’m a filmmaker and actress that’s focused on normalizing plus size bodies. When I’m making a film, I like to adopt a blind casting model to prove that unless the character has to have a specific perspective for the sake of the story, any and everyone is capable of being a love interest/leading human/villain/mentor/hero. I’m currently working on two short films that are in post sound production. One is a satire on fatphobia called ‘Hippolyta,’ which I wrote, directed and starred in, and the other is a dark comedy called ‘Emerald and Olive,’ which I had the privilege of directing. I was also recently cast as ‘Annie’ in the new CBS show ‘Matlock,’ starring Kathy Bates, who’s role in ‘Fried Green Tomatoes’ really contributed to this belief I had as a child that I didn’t have to change anything about myself in order to be successful.

Looking back, what do you think were the three qualities, skills, or areas of knowledge that were most impactful in your journey? What advice do you have for folks who are early in their journey in terms of how they can best develop or improve on these?

I think my sense of humor, communication skills, and the double edged sword that is my self-awareness have gone a long way in making me who I am and bringing me as far as I’ve come.
Humor is a lot of things: medicine, a bridge between generations and cultures, a coping mechanism, but, ultimately, its a little slice of genuine humanity. It’s important to know that, no matter what situation you’re in, you can choose to really look at the people around you and be effected by them – laugh when they say or do something that makes you want to laugh; make a joke in the hopes of putting a smile on someone’s face and really live in the joy of that. Humor is one of those things that’s really subjective. It’s hard to say what makes anyone funny – subject matter, context, pacing – but I do know that when humor comes from a good, personal place then it can be healing and so pure and just awesome! More than anything though, the thing that I’ve come to really appreciate about humor, in my own personal life, is the ability to stop myself from laughing at something that I don’t actually find funny but would’ve felt pressure to laugh at, anyway. Like I’ve said before, I used to be a real people pleaser, as I was raised in the south to be, which meant smiling and laughing at things for the sake of the other person and out of a desire to keep the peace, no matter how untenable the joke was. I’ve come to realize that there are some things that I don’t want to humor, like fat jokes or any joke that plays on overdone and damaging stereotypes – they’re pedantic, boring, and lack creativity. Welcome to my TedTalk.
As for my communication skills, keeping people in the know is not my strong suit. Keeping people updated, and all that, really sucks and I hate it. However…when it comes to expressing myself, I feel like I’ve got that in the bag. Since I was a kid, I’ve had this “misunderstood” chip sitting on my shoulder, whispering in my ear the importance of efficient communication. Reading had a huge hand in my ability to communicate effectively to people. I was witnessing things in black and white that opened my mind to all these different experiences which really cultivated an appreciation for the little minute details that differentiated one person’s perspective from the other. It gave me a foundation for identifying my own thoughts and feelings. I wanted to be accurate; there was something that felt important in that. And it is. Being able to communicate to someone exactly what you’re experiencing gives them the ability and opportunity to relate to you on a genuine level. And even if they don’t or can’t, you can still walk away from that interaction knowing that you were real and honest and there was nothing else you could do.
Communication, to me, is very closely linked to self-awareness, which, like I said, is a double edged sword. It’s been so important for me to learn the difference between when I’m being self-aware and when I’m being self-deprecating. For someone with general anxiety, it doesn’t take much for my awareness to slip into judgement. But, being in touch with where things come from has allowed me to evolve aspects of myself. In some areas, I want to grow by expanding, and in others, I want to grow by dismantling. But, I can’t do that if I don’t understand why, how, or where. I read something recently that said, “Our brains have plasticity. We get to decide through repetition and intention who we evolve to be.” I have to be aware of when I’m acting out, when I’m being unfair, when I’m nervous or jealous or angry, and, if I wish to change these things or feel like I have more control over myself, I have to understand why I feel these things and where it comes from.

We’ve all got limited resources, time, energy, focus etc – so if you had to choose between going all in on your strengths or working on areas where you aren’t as strong, what would you choose?

I don’t see why you can’t do both. Improving on your weaknesses can only add to your current strengths. Why not lead with the things you’re already confident in while working on the things you want to improve on along the way. Add as many skills as you can. Even if you never end up needing that advanced scuba certification, it still added something to your life. Do things that are fun, always say yes to the adventure and never fall for the “good enough” trap. No one is ever “good enough.” Even the things we consider ourselves experts in are things that we can always improve on and learn more about. So, sure, lean on those things but don’t shut yourself off from other experiences. Good or bad, they’re still enriching to you. I’ve never been a materialistic person and I’ve certainly always been frugal but one thing I’ve always thought was worth the expense was a good adventure – a pottery class, skydiving, parasailing, zip lining, and, you guessed it, an advanced underwater scuba diving certification course. Chances are, these experiences probably won’t make or break an opportunity but they all taught me something and made me happy.

Contact Info:

• Website: https://resumes.actorsaccess.com/shelynn_mayes
• Instagram: @mayeby_so