Meet Steph Mcfarland

Alright – so today we’ve got the honor of introducing you to Steph Mcfarland. We think you’ll enjoy our conversation, we’ve shared it below.

Steph , so good to have you with us today. We’ve always been impressed with folks who have a very clear sense of purpose and so maybe we can jump right in and talk about how you found your purpose?

After going through two divorces by age 37, I had a choice to either be bitter, or to take ownership and thrive. I wanted to find the root problem, and discover solutions for what happened. At the same time I was working full time as a teacher to provide for my children. It is not uncommon to have a class size of 40 in the sate that I teach. One particular class had 35 boys and 5 girls. It was difficult to hold their interest. The class was challenging and lagging behind the others. What was I not understanding about boys and men? So, I googled “how to teach a boy” and found articles that explained how society does not allow them to express the full gamut of human emotions. They showed how boys emote more during younger years, but by school age they suppress most of that part of themselves. They fall in line.

Immediately, pieces started to come together. I went back to graduate school as a single mother and chose to research formally about this issue. I wrote a thesis titled, “Validating Boyness: How Art Education Allows Male Adolescent Students a Space for Authenticity, Vulnerability, Empathy, and Connection.” It addresses how society does not allow boys and men to feel and express the full spectrum of human emotions. I realized how many men are suffering with suppression due to shame they have experienced from their early years and shame they experience into adulthood from other men and even women. I used my classroom for a case study experimenting with teaching emotional regulation strategies, and art techniques to allow my students an avenue for safe emotional expression. We did these activities in tandem with a novel called, “A Monster Calls” written by Patrick Ness and illustrated by Jim Kay in which the main character, due to life circumstances, has to cope with intense feelings.

I interviewed adult men and gathered their stories about what it means to them to be a man, and how they came to their understanding of what manhood is. When I finished my thesis, I reached out to my favorite scholar and asked him how to continue my work. We discussed several possibilities, but the one that resonated the most was when he said, “You have to create societal change.” How does one tackle such a lofty goal? I started with the social media platform of Threads, and quickly gained over 8,000 followers, and over 65% of them are men. My purpose: is to invite men to reconnect with their suppressed emotional selves, step into their authenticity, and feel safe to share their vulnerabilities in spaces they deem appropriate. We must create societal space where this is normalized and supported. Doing so will then will enable men and women to have greater unity and potential for stronger relationships which will help uplift the whole of society. And this is just the beginning.

Let’s take a small detour – maybe you can share a bit about yourself before we dive back into some of the other questions we had for you?

Currently I am a Freshman English teacher by day and Threads enthusiast in my “spare time.” I continue teaching the unit annually that I used for my case study. I also continue interviewing men both formally and informally, and talk frequently as possible about my research. The majority of men I interact with validate that my work is spot on. I am also open with my students about my research, and they sense my compassion for the plight of the boy.

My threads tag is @mcstephiebee which is where I am most active. I have beautiful interactions with men daily as I listen to their stories. They share that they have cried for the first time in 4o years, or they were able to connect with their wife in a way they hadn’t before, or they went to a therapist and had never considered going previously. Men know that I am concerned about their emotional state and that I am a safe place for them to reconnect with themselves. I teach both men and women how to provide such safety for those in their circle of influence. I post inspirational true stories about men positively impacting my life, research based posts about what we do to males in society, and posts teaching emotional regulation strategies. When I tell men what I do, they tell me about their inner world and admit hadn’t even considered, or realized, how much they were suppressing in the first place.

In addition to my written thesis, I created an artwork as a visual thesis of my research. The model sat in my living room for several hours as I wrapped his body in plastic wrap. He shared his story with me and the act of art became a catharsis for the two of us. I would like to create more sculptures like this, and I would like to know if there are people who see value in it to become an installment. Using live models speaks to challenges men have including body issues, which has been under investigated. Art speaks the words that men may not be permitted to say. By way of explanation, there is significance to the dark monochromatic body of the man. It draws attention to his delicate heart made of wire. Only one tool in the archaic box will suffice, but it is not a tool he is familiar with and it is one that has been societally feminized symbolizing possible resistance to even picking it up in the first place. Will he go against generations of ways of doing, and repair his inner world? The work is called “Fix It.”

Plans for expansion are still in the works. I have hopes to publish at least two books soon and I am currently collaborating with others to expand my online presence. The goal is to launch before the end of the summer.

There is so much advice out there about all the different skills and qualities folks need to develop in order to succeed in today’s highly competitive environment and often it can feel overwhelming. So, if we had to break it down to just the three that matter most, which three skills or qualities would you focus on?

Ownership: I had to take an excruciating look at what I was doing wrong. I have a memory of a man I was dating in my early twenties. I adored him, but he didn’t want to date me anymore. When I asked him why he said, “I just couldn’t be vulnerable to you.” Immediately I remembered the moment where I had made a mistake. We sat on the tailgate of his truck. He shared some things about his family and started to cry. I felt uncomfortable and embarrassed for him. I had never experienced a man being so deeply vulnerable before and I wanted to change the subject. That’s what I thought I was supposed to do. It was a huge mistake. I didn’t even realize how big at the time. Taking ownership of our mistakes gives us an opportunity to turn it into a strength. Doing so makes it easy to find those who are making the same mistakes we have in the past, and then we can be supportive through their process. Now my hope is to teach both men and women how to cultivate these kind of conversations because they are the birthplace of deep connection.

Forgiveness: My two divorces were unexpected and unwanted on my part. When I called a friend of mine who had experienced a divorce I asked her for advice. Because circumstances are so different, she spared me any other than this: don’t be bitter. She was right. Bitterness will rot a human from the inside out, and gives the “perpetrator” power. It blocks the abundance that the world and any higher power has in store for us in compensation for our pain. Forgiveness is not about being subject to poor treatment. It’s about meeting a scenario with compassion for another person who is as imperfect as we are. It is realizing that if I had similar life experiences that they did, perhaps I could have committed a similar harm. It is letting go of anger, and then not putting ourselves in that same situation for repeated offenses. Collectively, this has to happen societally–between each man and woman as individuals. It would be erroneous to say hurt doesn’t happen. Forgiveness will take conscious effort, but it is possible.

Vision: I have a gift to see consequences of action. We are the sum culmination of all our choices. Having a goal in mind, writing it down, and executing the possibilities can help the momentum in any creative process. If you can think it, it can be. Our subconscious beliefs show up for us in our waking world. The more positive they are, the better our outcomes will be. If we don’t like what is happening on the outside, we must begin working on what the inside. Once our vision aligns with what we authentically want to be, the possibilities will unfold. My vision is to see men heal and women too, thus producing a more conscious society as a whole.

One of our goals is to help like-minded folks with similar goals connect and so before we go we want to ask if you are looking to partner or collab with others – and if so, what would make the ideal collaborator or partner?

I am looking to collaborate with more men, and women that see the value in what I am doing. I want to give a voice to men and their issues. Everyone has to be talking about this, not just me, because the end goal is social change.

I need folks who know how to help me grow my brand. I need men who want to be interviewed to add to my mounds of research. I need publishers, and places to speak at. I need a professor/advisor who is willing to guide me in my research as I continue from writing my masters thesis to writing a Ph.D. dissertation.

I’m also looking for a sponsor who would be interested in my sculpture work of the body of men. Many times doing emotional work is directly linked to body awareness. There are many implications there that would be valuable to communicate to society through the means of art. The participating models would also benefit as they share their story through the sculpture, and social media outlets.

I am also looking for a literary agent for my work centered around authenticity of boys and men.

Contact Info:

• Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/mcstephiebee/
• Other: Threads:
  https://www.threads.net/@mcstephiebee

Image Credits

The image of student art needs to remain anonymous, however, the art very obviously coveys feelings, especially since both of the sculptures have to do with a heart and the lack of one.