We’re excited to introduce you to the always interesting and insightful Tammy J. We hope you’ll enjoy our conversation with Tammy below.
Hi Tammy, so happy to have you on the platform and I think our readers are in for a treat because you’ve got such an interesting story and so much insight and wisdom. So, let’s start with a topic that is relevant to everyone, regardless of industry etc. What do you do for self-care and how has it impacted you?
I am the Queen of self-care! As a stepmom who focuses on implementing self-care in her daily routine, I enjoy journaling, breathwork, listening to my affirmation recordings, dancing, watching my favorite movies and going to brunch! As it is for any other caregiver, self-care is equally important for stepparents in a blended family. Truthfully, it can be tremendously essential in this role because stepparenting can come with unique challenges and responsibilities. With the wide range of emotions, including love, frustration, anger, joy, confusion, even guilt, it is so important that stepparents engage in activities that brings them joy while allowing themselves to recharge. Additionally, stress management is key when it comes to effective self-care. Stepparenting can be demanding at times. To help reduce such stress levels and to increase the ability to cope with challenges, stepparents may engage in self-care activities. More importantly, self-care empowers one to establish and maintain healthy boundaries, which is crucial in blended families. Self-care can look different for each stepparent. Taking care of themselves not only benefits them, but it also positively impacts the stepparents’ relationships and their ability to bloom as the intentional stepparents they desire to become in their blended families.
Great, so let’s take a few minutes and cover your story. What should folks know about you and what you do?
After saying “I do” to my husband. Reginald, in July 2013, I began my journey in the world of step-parenting. Juggling the exhausting struggles of being a step mommy with the pressures of blended family life, I was so ready to step away from it all, including our marriage. However, with the help of personal therapy, marriage counseling, prayer, new founded confidence, and self-care, I discovered the strength to continue in my truth. While healing, Stepmom Goals, LLC was unleashed. Focused on helping other stepmothers in their own escapades, I am determined to help them to adjust their crowns daily.
Stepmom Goals is not at all about perfection. The purpose of Stepmom Goals is to help millennial stepmothers to prioritize self-care in their journey as an intentional stepparent. The content that is published daily on social media is to remind stepmothers and bonus mommies that their self-love is their first love. As a huge advocate of self-care, I encourage women to release what they cannot control in their blended families. I also am not afraid to expose the harsh truths of stepmom life to the rest of the world. For instance, a stepmom does not have to bond with her stepchildren. She does not have to shove her love around. Bonus moms and stepmothers are allowed to take their time and grow in love. If her love is instant, cool! If not, then it is absolutely okay! A stepmother should never feel like she is auditioning or practicing a script to fit into her family. Oh, and this wicked stepmom stuff. Pretty strange to me. She is not wicked. She may be at war with herself! She is not evil! She may be emotionally drained from unresolved childhood trauma. I am not trying to make excuses for anyone’s behavior, but we must remember that we are all human. No matter how big or small, a stepmother’s steps are valued.
As an author of an affirmation journal for Stepmothers, I am hopeful that my writing would help the brave stepmother who is ready to uncover her truth. Inside the journal, there are not any lines. Each page is designed for her expression and release. Some days, she may want to draw. Other days, she may only have the strength to write down one word. There are also magical Stepmom affirmations that are tucked inside to uplift her as she adjusts her crown. No matter what, each page is a valuable documented gem of her extraordinary journey as a purposeful stepmother. Also, with the release of my Stepmom Goals Affirmations e-book and my children’s book, “Mama T and Me,” I invite people to the lighter side of stepmom life that no one sees. Oh, fun fact, my stepson calls me Mama T. At first, it was Mama Tam, but one day, he randomly changed it to Mama T because it sounds cooler.
Looking back, what do you think were the three qualities, skills, or areas of knowledge that were most impactful in your journey? What advice do you have for folks who are early in their journey in terms of how they can best develop or improve on these?
To become a purposeful stepparent, there are several important qualities to possess. My advice to new stepparents is to focus not only on self-care, but also empathy, patience, and flexibility. Empathy allows you to relate to your stepchildren’s feelings and their perspectives. Being compassionate is a stepparent’s superpower when it comes to facing their blended families’ unique needs. The goal is to co-create a safe (emotionally, physically, and spiritually) and encouraging environment for your step kids to express themselves and to consistently develop a powerful sense of belonging. I encourage new stepparents that being patient gives you the opportunity to steer through the emotions and the complex dynamics that may arise in a blended family. For instance, it may take time for everyone involved to adjust to their new roles while establishing trust. Blending families together cannot be rushed at all. Lastly, flexibility is key when adapting to schedules, certain routines, and different parenting styles. Navigating the complexities of co-parenting requires patience indeed. Moreover, it allows you to embrace the change and adjust to creating a cohesive and harmonious blended family unit. No matter what, an intentional stepparent grows in their role by implementing empathy, patience, and flexibility with open communication, understanding and continuous effort.
Before we go, any advice you can share with people who are feeling overwhelmed?
When feeling overwhelmed, especially as a stepmom, I prioritize self-care. I make sure to take the time out for myself to recharge, engage in activities that help me to relax. Every single day, I am learning consistently how to walk purposely in my calling without getting so impatient with myself. Yes, some days may feel uncomfortable. Yes, there are times when unfamiliar feelings may arise. But this is all part of our growth as a stepmom. Because I have suffered through emotional silence, I know how it feels to shrink myself. I know that feeling of being invisible. I also know how it feels to not be emotionally safe in your own home. It is like no one understands. But I want to remind the hurting stepmom, that she is not alone. The hardest part of being a stepmom is lack. Lack of acknowledgment. Lack of appreciation. Lack of encouragement. Lack of respect. It hurts. It stings. But I know it changes. It just must. That is why I always encourage my stepmom and bonus mom tribe to hold on to their faith. And to take care of herself. Yes, there may be days when a stepmom may rebuild herself. But she does not make herself small for others’ comfort. In this stepmom role, it is imperative that we truly know what our responsibility is. And being a superhero is not part of it. A stepmom is not a time traveler. She cannot read minds. And she does not wear a cape. Her role in her family will always be influential in her family. Yet, she is not able to pour from an empty cup. This is why self-care is so important to me, especially when feeling emotionally exhausted in such a unique journey.
Contact Info:
- Website: https://stan.store/StepmomGoals
- Instagram: @Stepmomgoals_
- Facebook: Stepmom Goals
- Twitter: @StepmomGoals
- Email: [email protected]
