We recently connected with Tanya Spencer and have shared our conversation below.
Tanya, so great to have you with us and we want to jump right into a really important question. In recent years, it’s become so clear that we’re living through a time where so many folks are lacking self-confidence and self-esteem. So, we’d love to hear about your journey and how you developed your self-confidence and self-esteem.
I was about 1.5 years old when my bio-father tried to kill me. Threw me out of the window in a rage that he should pay for his corruption. He was a cop arrested by his peers. The trauma wreaked havoc on my body and I still suffer from that. But it also gave me a steely determination to live, to fight back against injustices, and to be confident that I will survive just about anything.
But I have to admit, my confidence is both my strength and weakness – I’ve bravely walked into very dangerous situations as a human rights monitor and later as a security & crisis management expert in places like Afghanistan, Sudan, and Yemen.
That sounds rough and tough, in far away places, but the scariest have been closer to home as a lone woman surrounded by a group of guys threatening to rape me (this has happened more than once!) and I literally step towards the main one threatening me, use my body language, voice, eyes, my whole being to out alpha the alpha leader. For the record, I don’t know an ounce of self-defense. But I have an overflowing bucket of confidence in my right to simply BE.
Great, so let’s take a few minutes and cover your story. What should folks know about you and what you do?
I coach women in male dominated fields because I understand how they can find themselves breathing but feeling like they’re not living.
I juggled a lot. At the peak of my career in global security, I had just written my second 5-star book, was responsible for 35 countries and 1000s of people, chairwoman for a security network covering 194 countries, doing consultancies for the UN, governments, NGOs and Fortune 100 companies – I literally had it all.
But I dropped the ball on myself. I was simply worn down on all fronts:
● Being told my salary could be delayed since I didn’t have a family to support. And yet, I was the sole income earner for our family.
● Using extra energy to prove I was the expert in the room because I didn’t fit the stereotype for security.
● Having the perfect family life but being constantly reminded that I wasn’t there enough and evenwhen I was, still never “fully” present.
Now my coaching focuses on mindset to know you are enough, confidence to project the true you and stress cause all too often it gets in the way. There are ways to get more from life without risking the most important parts of you.
Right now, I am excited that I’m launching group coaching options both for women only and mixed groups (I still have a lot of men in my network who want coaching in a safe environment). The pilot phase is about to start so fingers crossed cause it’s about as exciting as riding a unicorn, glitter farts included!
Looking back, what do you think were the three qualities, skills, or areas of knowledge that were most impactful in your journey? What advice do you have for folks who are early in their journey in terms of how they can best develop or improve on these?
I have to pick mindset for all 3 qualities – but hear me out cause it’s THAT important. It is the stories you tell yourself, the dreams you allow yourself, and lenses that you see the world through.
Let’s go back to when my bio-father threw me out of a window. I could tell myself a “I’m no better than trash” story. Imagine decades telling myself that! Internal language like that would make sure that every time something went wrong or I stumbled then instead that negativity would push me so I fall hard, under the weight of my self hate. Internal hate speech not only kicks you down, it stomps on your self-worth.
Stories shape dreams. Or at least the kind that are the visions of how you want to be and live. If you truly believe that you’re NOT good enough, then you will never dream to be the first college graduate in your family. We can even switch that up and say you come from a long line of doctors but you’ve always wanted to be a chef. But before the thought is fully formed, you reject it. You can’t imagine a path forward so you shut the door.
So here you are, feeling stomped on at the foot of a shut door. It sucks to be you. These things always happen to you. The list of people against you just grows. And grows, until you reframe the lenses that you filter the world through. There’s still pain, ugliness and bad days but you can change your reactions. Like one time, my shoulder was dislocated and it was 4 hours before I could attract help. I could have cried that it happened again, what the 30th time now! I could have cried that I couldn’t trust my own body. I could have cried about the trash throwing legacy of that bio guy. But instead, I sang. In my head, my songs were hilarious.
Once I discovered how transformative a supportive mindset is, then I can be happy just as I am while still pushing to realize bigger dreams in a world that reflects my optimism and hope back to me. Imagine if you had this mindset, how powerful you could be on your bold journey!
What was the most impactful thing your parents did for you?
The most impactful thing my bio-parents did was do their best at being the worst role models. And when I looked further down the road, I realized every woman in my family had suffered from domestic violence and turned around shared that pain with their children. Love was negative, bitter and violent. My fate was that road.
Until, I decided to choose me instead. My mental health. My trajectory. My future would not be their history of pain. Everyday, I still choose to love and respect ALL of me with grace and kindness.
Contact Info:
- Website: www.fitfabfresh40plus.com
- Instagram: tanya_fitfabfresh40plus
- Linkedin: http://www.linkedin.com/in/tanya-spencer-mindsetcoach/
Image Credits
J.Jungersen
