Meet Theresa Kulikowski-Gillespie

We recently connected with Theresa Kulikowski-Gillespie and have shared our conversation below.

Theresa, sincerely appreciate your selflessness in agreeing to discuss your mental health journey and how you overcame and persisted despite the challenges. Please share with our readers how you overcame. For readers, please note this is not medical advice, we are not doctors, you should always consult professionals for advice and that this is merely one person sharing their story and experience.

My personal experiences with mental health issues have definitely had both nature and nurture elements to them. I was born to very young parents who were incredibly loving but who suffered from their own mental health challenges. Alcoholism ran in my father’s family, and he, unfortunately, inherited that pattern. To his credit, he overcame alcoholism soon after we were born, but the other components of addiction, such as depression and anxiety, persisted and were passed down to my sisters and me. My mother, who was raised in an incredibly unstable home ridden with witnessed abuse and immense verbal and emotional abuse, developed extreme obsessive-compulsive disorder and anxiety at a young age. The “nature” piece was prevalent in my situation.

I was a naturally driven little kid with extreme perfectionism. Fortunately, I entered gymnastics at age 2 1/2 and fell in love with the sport. It gave me an outlet and an environment where perfectionism quickly bred results.

At age eight, however, I began developing tendencies towards obsessive-compulsive disorder, with anxiety and panic sprinkled throughout. The anxiety trickled into my gymnastics in the form of fear, and somehow, I learned mental visualization. I vividly recall being scared of a skill combination on the balance beam around this time. I visualized myself doing the skill on a TV, would then press rewind (on the VHS back then!), and then press play. All of this occurred in my mind, but when I pressed the mental play button, I would step up and perform the skill combination in reality. This was my first experience with mental imagery to reduce fear.

I also went through a religious phase between the ages of ten and 17, and prayer became a refuge. It likely fell into the category of compulsive behavior, but it offered some sense of solace when the anxiety and fear took over. I often visualized holding Jesus’s hand. I also had a rosary, and although we weren’t practicing Catholics, the image of Mother Mary and the beauty of the turquoise rosary provided moments of peace in a mind that was frequently plagued with doubt and worry.

My first bout of depression came after the 1996 Olympic Trials. I had trained 12 of my 16 years of life to make the Olympic Team, and I fell one spot short as the Olympic alternate. This team became the “Magnificent Seven” and won the first gold medal for Team USA in gymnastics.

This bout of depression actually pulled me away from religion but began opening me to different practices, such as journaling and self-inquiry. Unfortunately, it also began a worsening of disordered eating that had actually begun at the age of 12. When my world felt like it was out of my control and a lifelong dream had slipped away, I began clinging more tightly to food and weight control.

Depression, anxiety, and disordered eating continued to put a damper on the rest of my gymnastics career, but I was able to compete at the highest level at the University of Utah. I relied upon mental imagery, team support, journaling, sports psychology, breathing techniques, relaxation, and pre-competition rituals, which allowed me to win an NCAA All-Around title and two balance beam titles during my time in collegiate gymnastics and graduate Summa Cum Laude in Exercise Science and Psychology.

Following gymnastics, I became a physician assistant and joined the US Army. Following my tour in Iraq, my health began to decline noticeably. Prior to this, mental health issues were common threads, but I was always physically performing at an elite level. When my physical health waned, my mental health went with it in big ways. I had extreme obsessive-compulsive disorder and depression during and after pregnancy, insomnia, severe anxiety, and a body that became disabled almost overnight.

I have since been on a decade-long healing journey, at times feeling so overcome by depression and a desire to leave this body that I had to seek professional help in very intense ways. My saving grace has come through the following sources:

1. I learned about mindfulness and meditation from Rick Hanson upon retiring from gymnastics, and that path has deepened in ways I never would have imagined. I have learned self-compassion through teachers such as Kristin Neff and Tara Brach. I have learned loving-kindness from Jack Kornfield. I developed a mindfulness and meditation practice rooted in the Vipassana tradition and actually became a certified mindfulness meditation teacher through Jack Kornfield and Tara Brach’s Mindfulness Meditation Teacher Certification Program in 2021.

2. I have relied heavily upon loving support. My husband is a deep source of compassion, strength, and hope. My son gives me a purpose to keep going. Ollie, our goldendoodle, brings light and ease to each day. My mom is always a phone call away and offers unconditional love, listening, and care whenever I need it. My former coach, Lori Forster, has been a source of encouragement and kindness. I have a wonderful therapist, Jenny Morrow, and a spiritual mentor, Carrie Grossman, who offer unconditional understanding, guidance, and empowerment. This is my tribe.

3. I also rely upon my training as a physician assistant in functional medicine, experimenting with different supplements, dietary changes, infrared sauna, and really any holistic wellness practice that may support bringing my being back into balance.

4. Finally, I have developed my own religious and spiritual beliefs and rely heavily upon prayer in my own way. I’m unaffiliated with any religion, but I am ever-evolving in my spiritual connections and the mystery of life that is around and within me. I’m growing into an authentic practice that allows me to show up in all of my humanity, perfectly imperfect, knowing that I’m loved no matter what.

It has required an immense amount of compassion and love from others and for myself, along with tools upon tools to shift my relationship to mental health issues. They still come and go, but as I practice with my tools and return to the present moment with kindness and compassion, I know that the essence of who I am is so much bigger than the mental health issues, AND the issues are a cry for care and attention. It’s a balancing act that I’m forever learning to hold space for. As Ram Dass said, “I have the same neurosis in my 70s as I had in my 20s. The only difference now is that I’m bigger than them.”

Let’s take a small detour – maybe you can share a bit about yourself before we dive back into some of the other questions we had for you?

I’m the founder of Fit Intuit, which offers holistic wellness education, mentorship, and empowerment to high-achievers. Its mission is to optimize performance while nurturing well-being in body, mind, and spirit. Fit Intuit has evolved as with all things in life, but its foundational principles still stand. These are the foundational principles behind the name:

1. Fit Intuit entails fitting in with each other. This is a community where everyone fits in and is welcome. Diversity, individual differences, and our common humanity are explored and celebrated.
2. Fit Intuit involves fitting into your own skin. By this, I mean unconditional self-love. How awesome would it be to feel fully comfortable in our ever-changing skin? The unconditional love and compassion within Fit Intuit provide a safe space for each individual to show up as they are in this new moment while also staying open to the infinite potential that rests within our sacred bodies.
3. Fit Intuit is more than just fitness. Physical and mental fitness are pieces of the whole, but in order to optimize physical and mental fitness, one must be intuitively in touch with one’s own needs, purpose, and motivation. The journey of intuitive fitness is a lifelong process of trusting in our complex nature and applying a holistic model of wellness that leads to optimal performance and nurturing of one’s entire being.

I started Fit Intuit over a decade ago, and it became an official business in 2019. It has been a slow evolution, and my own life experiences continue to mold and shape my mission.

Living the life of an elite and collegiate gymnast molded and shaped me in both helpful and unhelpful ways. From a very young age, I learned what it feels like to have passion and purpose. I loved gymnastics, and it brought me immense joy—until it didn’t.

I suffered from my first bout of burnout at the young age of ten. I then pushed my body through multiple injuries only to become the Olympic alternate in 1996, one spot short of my lifelong dream. I learned how to override my body and pride myself on pushing through the pain, and it had negative repercussions down the road. Now that I’m over two decades removed from my gymnastics career and facing complex chronic health issues, I want to ensure current and future generations in gymnastics and high-level athletics learn to honor and listen to their bodies.

My personal and known experiences with teammates motivate me to teach introspective healing tools such as mindfulness, self-compassion, lovingkindness, guided imagery, and self-trust from a young age. I believe it’s possible to help athletes reach their potential, but it doesn’t have to be done at the expense of their well-being.

In addition to supporting athletes holistically, I have a passion for supporting military service members and veterans. The Army has been in my family, with my grandfather serving in WWII, my father serving on active duty over a decade and then retiring from the National Guard, both of my sisters serving (one a logistics officer and one a neurologist), and myself serving as a physician assistant. This is another population that is trained in overriding the body, believing that feeling certain emotions is “bad,” and experiencing negative repercussions of burnout over the long haul.

A key aspect of holistic healing is discovering who we are beyond our accomplishments. It doesn’t mean that goals, dreams, and accolades aren’t important, but it does mean that we can learn to honor ourselves for who we are more so than what we are. This is accomplished through the Fit Intuit approach.

My approach draws upon my personal experiences as an elite gymnast and Army officer along with my background in functional medicine as a physician assistant and mindfulness meditation as a mindfulness teacher. I have developed an immense amount of compassion for this crazy journey of being human, and my goal is to bring my personal wisdom and knowledge forward while trusting and empowering anyone I work with to bring their wisdom and knowledge into a sacred space where deep fulfillment and well-being are possible.

What do I believe makes Fit Intuit special? I have experienced the highest of highs in elite athletics and the lowest of lows through physical disability and emotional turmoil, and I feel my ability to listen, connect, and trust one’s process is a special gift. In addition to the wisdom gained through my life, my base of knowledge in holistic medicine and mindfulness offers additional tools and resources to ensure an entirely holistic experience in mind, body, and spirit.

I do have several offerings that I want to share!

Here are my current books:

Beyond the Battlefield: Stories of Tenacity and Mindful Guidance Along the Warrior’s Path (available on Amazon, or I can send signed copies directly)
Mindfulness in Sport: Optimizing Performance Without Sacrificing Well-Being (ebook on Amazon)
Coming Soon! Beyond the Chalk Box: Insight and Inspiration from Olympic Gymnasts

Online Courses:

Who Am I Now? The Transition to Life After Sport
Mindfulness in Sport: Optimizing Performance Without Sacrificing Well-Being
Learning the Basics of Mindfulness and Meditation (available on Insight Timer app)

Live Offerings:
I love to guide group meditations and currently offer these on Insight Timer. I invite anyone to join Insight Timer and follow me for updates on when live sessions are offered.

1-1 Sessions
I love connecting and empowering others to reach their fullest potential while also nurturing a healthy relationship with oneself. These are truly sacred sessions filled with unconditional understanding and compassion, allowing each person to show up exactly as they are, accept themselves just as they are, and be open to healing and optimal living through mindful presence, visualization, spiritual practices (if appropriate), lifestyle medicine education, and other intuitive practices. It’s like a creative dance of self-expression.

There is so much advice out there about all the different skills and qualities folks need to develop in order to succeed in today’s highly competitive environment and often it can feel overwhelming. So, if we had to break it down to just the three that matter most, which three skills or qualities would you focus on?

1. Trusting the Path of Doing and Being: I used to believe that I should never give up, no matter what, and the harder I worked, the better person I was. If I had dedicated myself to something, I needed to constantly work to make it possible, forgetting about rest and joy.

When I became disabled with unknown causes, I was forced to give up a lot. I had to quit my job. I had to give up working out and doing many things I loved. I was also, fortunately, forced to question some beliefs that weren’t serving me. Because I didn’t really know how just to be, my body forced me into being. This has been incredibly difficult, and it is still very challenging.

As I reflect on my path, however, I am slowly developing more trust in the process of being and doing. If we force ourselves to do all of the time, eventually, as Gabor Mate’s book title states, “When the Body Says No,” we’ll be forced to take pause. It’s ok if we have to learn this way. There’s nothing wrong with us if our body says no. It’s a process, and the more we honor the signals from our body and recognize and trust the natural ebb and flow of life, the more we can ride the waves with ease. Trusting the natural rhythm of being and doing offers more moments of inner peace and fulfillment.

2. Compassion and Loving-Kindness: I was innately compassionate as a kid, but I lost touch with it as I became hyperfocused on accomplishment as a gymnast and student. As I connected with deep suffering through multiple identity losses as a gymnast and then an able-bodied person, I first learned about self-compassion and then began meditating more deeply in self-compassion. Self-compassion is the desire to alleviate our own suffering. Tara Brach and Jack Kornfield were instrumental in teaching me compassion for myself and others. Tara Brach teaches a practice called R.A.I.N, which beautifully blends mindfulness and compassion into a meditation practice. R.A.I.N has been helpful and is a practice I teach many others I work with. Jack Kornfield encouraged me to do a year of loving-kindness practice to overcome disordered eating and poor body image, and with dedicated practice, I noticed the feeling of self-love surface from time to time. Loving kindness and compassion have changed my life, softening my relationship with myself and allowing me to more deeply and authentically connect with others within our common humanity.

3. Functional Medicine: Functional medicine is a philosophy of medical practice rooted in systems biology. It views the human body as a complex system of systems. As soon as I learned about it, it clicked. When I was practicing medicine, it was this lens through which I helped others restore their health. At the center of functional medicine is the mental-emotional-spiritual base of who we are, which I absolutely love. This essential base of who we are is often overlooked in conventional medicine. Functional medicine empowers and offers hope to optimize health by addressing imbalances in the human body’s complex systems built upon the foundation of mind-emotion-spirit.

My advice to others with each quality is:
1. It’s okay not to trust the process sometimes, too. That is actually part of the process. We will have moments when we can trust the balance of doing and being and feel in the flow. We can really take in this experience and cherish what it feels like. Then, we will lose contact with the flow. It’s easy to judge ourselves and believe we’re doing something wrong if we feel out of sync with the natural flow of life. I’m reminded of a very important phrase from a magazine, “The Lion’s Roar,” and it said, “Perhaps you’re doing it all right.” It may feel off, out of balance, chaotic, and like things are falling apart, but this is part of the process. You don’t have to go through it alone. Don’t judge yourself for it. And perhaps you’re doing it all right. Just take your next breath, your next step, and remain open to infinite possibilities.

2. Although I believe compassion and loving-kindness are part of our makeup, it’s easy to disconnect from this true nature through life’s conditioning. Loving-kindness and compassion are practices of remembering and cultivation. The more we connect with compassion and love within ourselves, the more we notice what it actually feels like. Then, when we’re disconnected from it, we notice that, too. When we feel disconnected, these are perfect moments to practice love and kindness for ourselves. This might be sending a well wish to ourselves such as, “May I be held in loving-kindness. May I feel safe in the great heart of compassion.” We can also practice formal loving-kindness and compassion through meditation. The more we practice, the more we can feel genuine love and compassion for both ourselves and others.

3. Functional medicine is a specialty within medicine and may not be part of everyone’s path. I recommend any medical provider take at least an introduction course to remember the complex system of systems we are as humans and approach patient care through that lens. If you’re a person struggling with complex, chronic health issues or looking to optimize performance and prevent illness and injury, look into functional medicine providers. I am also happy to discuss this with anyone interested.

If you knew you only had a decade of life left, how would you spend that decade?

My biggest challenge is my health, which then creates additional challenges. I have attempted hundreds of different treatment modalities within conventional, integrative, and functional medicine, and although I am better than I was several years back, I am still very limited in my ability to engage in the world outside of the home. In an ideal world, I would see clients multiple times weekly, travel and share my books worldwide, and teach around the country within high-level sports and military populations.

Because my health is so limited, I am confined to attempting everything online, which has many limitations. I have a website and multiple social media channels, but despite consistency in sharing and several online offerings, my offerings are not getting seen by those who would benefit. There are social media algorithms that create barriers to reaching target audiences, and the costs of targeted marketing can be prohibitive to small businesses. Investing time, energy, heart, and soul into web design, online courses, books, and social media engagement can be disheartening not to receive much feedback or interest.

I’m facing this challenge authentically. I respect how hard it is to be so limited and unable to engage in the world in the way I would have if I had my health. I often feel frustrated and defeated, and I try to reconnect with my motivation for doing this work and keep moving forward. My favorite movies are in the Rocky series, and one of my favorite quotes hanging in my son’s room says, “It ain’t about how hard you can hit. It’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward.” Life can hit hard, and sometimes the best we can do is to move forward in any small way possible.

Contact Info:

• Website: https://www.fit-intuit.org
• Instagram: https://fit.intuit
• Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/fitintuit
• Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/theresa-kulikowski-gillespie-a0340446/
• Twitter: n/a
• Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/@theresakulikowski
• Yelp: n/a
• Soundcloud: n/a
• Other: Insight Timer: www.insighttimer.com/tkulikowski
  
  https://www.fit-intuit.org/meditation-courses

Image Credits

These are all my pictures.