We were lucky to catch up with Theresa Newhard recently and have shared our conversation below.
Theresa, we sincerely appreciate you joining us today and agreeing to talk about some very personal topics. So, to kick things off, let’s talk about a tough one – divorce. Can you talk to us about how you overcame divorce?
It was nearly five years ago that I sat on the couch in my former home and realized my marriage was over. I was terrified. It took me a very long time to gather the courage to ask my ex-husband for a separation and, eventually, a divorce. Meanwhile, as I stayed, a part of me steadily died inside.
For months leading up to that moment – and for quite a long time afterward –I felt myself just hovering above the surface in a deep pool of emotions and “what ifs,” juggling, on the one hand, an inner voice that told me, unequivocally, that I could no longer stay in my marriage if I wanted to stop abandoning myself; and on the other hand, a powerful voice cautioned me against unleashing the floodgates of fear and uncertainty as I contemplated a scary legal journey and potential impacts on my young children.
It was almost impossible to see the forest from the trees in terms of what I had to do, let alone how to process how I felt.
Fear dominated during this time; fear of retribution and the fall-out and losing control. I was terrified of the situation becoming wildly contentious and of being in a battle with people I had previously called my family. And for quite some time, I did everything I could within my power to prevent this from happening.
To put it bluntly, I tried to control everything to avoid pain and conflict.
I tried to stay “safe” and still be free – and I realized that the two were not possible. Like a captain trying to keep a boat steady during a storm, arrogantly thinking that a tidal wave can be tethered, I tried to carefully steer the situation, waiting until the “right” time to take actions, attempting to avoid the use of attorneys or the involvement of family members by advocating for mediation, co-parenting, couples therapy, my therapy, his therapy etc. I thought that if I was careful, I might be able to skate free without burning it all down. I was wrong.
My divorce became everything I had feared: contentious, litigious and messy. It became expensive and expansive.
For a period of time, I lost all the things I had struggled to hold on to against all odds:
I lost money and financial security
I lost my home
I lost relationships with my previous family and friends
I lost relationships with current family members who could not understand or accept my decisions
I lost my sense of peace and calm
I lost some of my innocence
I lost my way; as the litigious process peaked, there were moments that I am not proud of when I acted outside of my values
And eventually I lost that which I was most afraid of being “taken” from me: primary custody of my children
There was nothing else I could do but keep going and, eventually, let go. It’s like that quote from Winston Churchill: If you’re going through hell, keep going. I kept going until one day I listened to a Podcast on divorce and heard a woman named Shannon McGorry speak about her experience with divorce and motherhood. Something struck me, and I felt, for a moment, a sense of hope. Shannon was something called a divorce coach. This was a term I had never heard before, but it turns out it was exactly what I needed. I remember signing a contract with Shannon as a birthday gift to myself in July 2020. It was not an easy thing to do – the thing being to decide to invest in myself, even during a very difficult financial time, and a time when I was juggling divorce, work, and parenting two small kids whose school had been shut down due to the pandemic.
In Shannon, I found a true advocate: a woman whose main goal was to help me quiet the noise on the outside so that I could turn up the volume of my inner voice. And it worked.
When I look back on the divorce process, I think of an animal shedding its skin to become that which it is meant to be next. Just as this must happen in nature each season, each year, so do we shed versions of ourselves that no longer serve us.
I learned that I had to let go of my desire to please – of wanting validation and affirmation from others — so that I walk into my most powerful, authentic self. A self that actually knew what to do, even though it was not easy, and even if it was a path I had to walk alone. Eventually, I was able to see that this path forward aligned with holding the most generous, compassionate love I could imagine for the future of my children and for their father – and to act accordingly. This, in turn, was acting with generous and compassionate love for myself.
It was, perhaps, the most difficult challenge I have faced in life. But, man, it opened the doors to some of the greatest gifts I have ever received. With time, continued trust in myself, and a willingness to move through the pain, I gained a life more beautiful and truer than anything I could have previously imagined.
I found a new home – a true sanctuary in a neighborhood that I love
I healed relationships with my previous family and friends
I healed relationships with current family members who eventually came to understand and accept my decisions
I discovered a sense of peace and calm that I had not had for a very, very long time
I gained wisdom and the ability to trust myself
I gained empathy and experience that I was able to share with others who were at the beginning of their divorce journey
I found my way, living life today intentionally aligned with my values
I accepted – and now embrace – a shared custody arrangement with my children
And, much to my surprise, I found love again.
On July 5, 2024, I married the love of my life – an amazing man who had also been divorced with two children. Jeff is my best friend, my confidante, and the love of my life. We happen to have the same custody schedule, and so now we parent our four children (and our puppy) together as a family of six. And when the children are with their other parents, Jeff and I are able to appreciate the gift of time that we never would have had if life had not ended up as it did. We make time for romance, adventure, professional and personal challenges, and having honest conversations about the struggles and blessings of co-parenting and blending a new family.
Appreciate the insights and wisdom. Before we dig deeper and ask you about the skills that matter and more, maybe you can tell our readers about yourself?
I have spent the majority of my career in organizations that are seeking to improve equity and inclusion for all people through health care, human services, leadership development and civic engagement. I have a master’s degree in public administration (MPA) from New York University, where I was fortunate enough to receive a full scholarship as a Catherine B. Reynolds Fellow in Social Entrepreneurship.
Currently, I am Chief Strategy Officer and Executive Director at a 150-year-old nonprofit organization in Pennsylvania focused on empowering individuals with disabilities to live the lives that they choose – on their own terms – and using innovative approaches to build independence and improve quality of life.
My professional “super powers” – the things I enjoy most and do most naturally — include designing values-based strategy, business development, and supporting people to “get to the bottom of things” so that they can navigate complex issues, make decisions, and take action at pivotal times.
Beyond this, I have always felt the pull toward entrepreneurship. After spending years envisioning ideas in my head and on scrap paper, I took “the plunge” in 2021 and launched my first business: Your Inner Phoenix (YIP). YIP designs interdisciplinary, interactive course experiences on healing and transformation for women. When we are going through a period of loss – whether it’s the end of a marriage (as it had been for me), ending a different significant relationship, or embarking on another major change in identity – the difficult process of burning and losing the things we once thought to be true – that “unlearning” process – can also enable us to see our lives through a new lens of possibility. But “going it alone” is often hard, lonely and terribly scary. Your Inner Phoenix is designed to bring people together – to have speakers who have “walked the walk” of transformation, and a cohort of peers who are on their own journey of healing with the hope of creating something new and more beautiful.
Looking back, what do you think were the three qualities, skills, or areas of knowledge that were most impactful in your journey? What advice do you have for folks who are early in their journey in terms of how they can best develop or improve on these?
1. All the answers you need to find are inside of you; if you wait and trust yourself, even if it takes longer than you want it to, the path forward will emerge. To make space for the answers to appear, give yourself quiet time alone; time to feel everything without needing to “make sense” of it, take action or make decisions.
2. Get it allll out. Find a safe, private, no-judgement zone for expression so that you can empty out all the things: the inner conflicts, the mixed-up feelings, your deepest fears etc. For me, I can find this time through meditation and long walks, followed by lots and lots of journaling. Try to be as unfiltered and honest as you possibly can.
3. When you have just a little bit of perspective, write out your intention for how you will move through this period of difficulty – and make it visible. As much as we want to control the outcome, it’s often out of our hands — especially if the struggle involves other people. But you can control your intentions, how you show up, the values that you will lean into throughout the journey. In my experience, if you honor your statement of intention, you will always be “ok” no matter what happens, since you won’t have lost yourself.
4. Get more data: where there is uncertainty, see if it is possible to get more information and a little more clarity. Going through a life change like divorce or another loss often leaves us with a tremendous amount of unknowns – and those unknowns can leave us feeling stuck. Make a list of all the unknowns that are stacked up in front of you and, one by one, try to find a little more information to help you move closer to clarity. For example, if you have no idea where you will live or how will you ever afford it, start by actually uncovering some of the facts: where MIGHT you want to live? What does it actually cost to move? What can you imagine your home looking and feeling like once you are there?
Alright, so before we go we want to ask you to take a moment to reflect and share what you think you would do if you somehow knew you only had a decade of life left?
One of the challenges I am currently facing as a woman, a mother, and human who wants to live a big life is how to balance doing “all the things” without feeling like I am compromising my values. I feel the sense of urgency to slow down enough to be truly present for my family – now comprised of four kids between the ages of 7 and 12 who are also moving between homes and experiencing change on many levels. I have them only half the time, and so there is a part of me that really feels like I must be as present physically and emotionally as I can during this short-lived time when they really do need me. I am afraid of that time passing me by or of feeling like I didn’t do “enough” as a mother. And yet, there is another voice that beckons for me to run toward growth, creativity, new challenges and ideas. This voice reminds me that I only have one precious life, and that I must do more, try more, “be” more. And at the same time, I am very much aware of the social conditioning and historic barriers that women and mothers have experienced, of our inherent nature to assimilate into dominant culture, and of the reality that how we “do” life and family must be innovated with each generation, and with person even. I know that I am not alone in this. And I look at this (on my better days) as an opportunity for creativity and community building. So, I try to live into the struggle, knowing that it is a gift and a privilege. And I know that if I am willing to trust and have the courage to ask and answer the hard questions, the answers will come.
And, just like Anna says in Frozen 2 (forgive me, it was on this morning, and I am mother after all!):
Just do the next right thing. Take a step, step again.
Contact Info:
- Website: https://www.yourinnerphoenix.com
- Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/tjenkinson/
Image Credits
– Chris Newhard, Booklight Productions
– La Bella Vita Event Company LLC
so if you or someone you know deserves recognition please let us know here.
