Meet Tiffany Wachtler

Alright – so today we’ve got the honor of introducing you to Tiffany Wachtler. We think you’ll enjoy our conversation, we’ve shared it below.

Hi Tiffany , appreciate you sitting with us today to share your wisdom with our readers. So, let’s start with resilience – where do you get your resilience from?

I’ve struggled with the word resilient. For so long, I wore it as a badge of honor, and thought of resiliency as swiftly bouncing back or fully recovering from something difficult with ease. I viewed strength as the ultimate goal – being strong for my family, strong for my friends, strong for my partner. THEN my whole universe shifted when my mom was diagnosed with aggressive lung cancer in October 2017.

I watched her dying in front of me in what felt both slow and fast. It was heartbreaking, and while my initial inclination was to be “strong” for everyone, I started to see that I was placing that expectation on myself, when, simultaneously, my community was giving me space and permission to fall apart. My resiliency came by recognizing the support I had around me, and learning how strength and fragility could share the same space. I found myself trusting those who offered shoulders to cry on and deploying all who asked to help. It was in this that I found the power of kindness and started to extend it and grace to myself.

My mom died just two months after her diagnosis, and grief was so overwhelming. I knew there was no “bouncing back” and that I am not the same woman as before she died. I think that sometimes, the expectation of grievers is to return to their normal, and those who have never experienced a significant loss may not know the impossibility of that. We are forever changed, but on my healing journey, it has been hope and light that has propelled me forward. I’ve had to embrace how I’ve grown and changed, without my mom, how I can live out the things I loved about her most, all while recognizing that it is okay to not always be strong.

I now view resiliency as the faith that I can make it through, that I don’t need to do it alone, and that although we can work to be strong, it is lovely when we also surround ourselves with those who can help uplift us when being strong is simply too much to ask.

Great, so let’s take a few minutes and cover your story. What should folks know about you and what you do?

I never had any intentions of being a business owner and I sweat just watching people pitch ideas on Shark Tank. I unintentionally stumbled into my work out of a desire to make sure that grievers didn’t feel alone. Until I experienced my mom’s death, I was oblivious to how grief takes over, how difficult it is to navigate, how it lingers, how it’s unpredictable, and how lonely it would feel.

The most significant thing that stood out during this time was the tremendous kindness people extended to me. I saw how some people showed up beautifully, jumping right in, providing comfort, and offering support, and it was inspiring. There were others who showed up clumsily, maybe stumbling through their words, or providing gifts that maybe missed the mark, but were sent with such love. Then there were others who did nothing at all, and I felt their absence and was hurt. I later learned that many people simply didn’t know what to do. They feared no act would meet the moment. They worried that reaching out would add to my sorrow. They thought they might make a mistake. Finding this out made me more compassionate towards them, and I realized that there was not a good resource or a sounding board for them, which inspired me to create that space.

I founded Kindness Concierge to help friends and family members who are nervous, but have the heart, and just need the “how” when it comes to showing up for loved ones during difficult situations.

Much like a concierge assists with arrangements, I help support systems organize acts of kindness by sharing ideas of what they can say, what they can do, or what they can send that matches their specific situation and relationships. I meet with people and talk about the loss or situation and ask questions to see how we can best coordinate a way to show up that feels genuine and heartfelt with the goal of bringing a little light and joy to their loved one’s day.

I believe the gift is showing up, so whether I’m sending care packages on someone’s behalf or outlining meaningful kind acts clients can carry out, I’m happy to know that their loved one will feel seen and supported during a difficult time.

I want so deeply to help change the conversation around grief. It’s not a bad word, and it is important to build a community around grief and grievers. It warms my heart each time I hear from a client who shares that they would not have had the courage to reach out to their loved one without my help or encouragement. I am moved when someone tells me the response that they got from the person who received a Kindness Concierge care package.

It is lovely to be invited in to help someone spread kindness and show up beautifully when life gets hard. I appreciate having a service that empowers loved ones to present, while allowing me to honor my mom’s legacy.

There is so much advice out there about all the different skills and qualities folks need to develop in order to succeed in today’s highly competitive environment and often it can feel overwhelming. So, if we had to break it down to just the three that matter most, which three skills or qualities would you focus on?

If I were to share three things about showing up for a griever, they would be – help them feel seen, don’t let your fear or discomfort paralyze you, and it’s okay if it is imperfect, when it is kind. I say this with knowing that your act and your kindness does not need to be grand, think about how you can simply reach out, and continue to do so.

Everyone’s grief experience is unique, and even with our experiences being different, I think there are some universal things that can help us be kind to ourselves and to each other. I offer this, if you hear of someone going through something hard, don’t wait, reach out. Show up by pushing through your fear or discomfort, doing your best, and without hesitation.

Send a card, a text, a voice note, a DM, to say that you are thinking of them. My favorite messages are those that preemptively say messages like “no need to respond.” This can be such a relief, knowing that your kindness isn’t asking anything of that person, just letting them know that they are seen, supported and loved. Also, keep reaching out long after the initial loss. So often, people swarm and are very present right in the early moments, but as they slowly rescind back into their lives and routines. Grievers can feel left behind, or as if the world is moving on without them, not seeing their grief as ongoing. So, whether it’s a month later or years later, take moments to recognize that the waves of grief will still come for them, and know that your support might be the light that gets them through a rough day.

My own birthday is the hardest grief day of the year, and I am always touched when someone wishes me a happy birthday, and also acknowledges that the day might be hard. I also get texts on my mom’s bunkiversary (that is what I call death anniversaries because they are not awesome) with people saying they’re thinking of me. It warms my heart that they remember and love me louder on days like this.

The tricky thing about grief is that it’s slippery and unpredictable, so know that your random text or call, might be the beauty in a day when we had a meltdown in the frozen food section, or on a day when we heard our person’s favorite song, or caught a scent that reminded us of our loved one. Reach out, don’t be shy, be bold, and be kind. You may never know the impact your gesture makes.

Thanks so much for sharing all these insights with us today. Before we go, is there a book that’s played in important role in your development?

I heard Collin Campbell on a podcast sharing about the unimaginable loss of his two teenage children in a car accident due a drunk driver, and immediately pulled over to order his book, “Finding the Words: Working Through Profound Loss with Hope and Purpose”. This book talks so beautifully about the power of community in grief. Collin didn’t love it when people said, “There are no words…” when talking to him about his loss, and that it felt like it shut down the opportunity for him to talk about his kiddos or share about his grief. His book does a great job of not only validating the grief experience, but also giving us all tangible ways that we can show up better for one another. This book is a gift and I learned so much.

One of my favorite stories within the book is an encounter with a friend who was trying to be supportive, and the way she went about it didn’t feel good. Collin and his wife had the courage to tell her how she was making them feel and how she might show up differently to be more supportive. They could have written this friend off or been dismissive, not feeling like they had the energy or bandwidth to tell her, but instead, they extended grace and told her what they needed. Her response was also gracious and lovely, in that she called out that she’d never walked alongside anyone in a loss like theirs, and she appreciated knowing how she could be there in a way that felt good for all of them.

I believe that as grievers, our emotions can be very raw, and it would have been understandable if the Campbells had just stepped back from this friend. I loved that they chose to be honest, and create a space where they could express their needs, while also having real conversations about grief. Culturally, we shy away from talking about grief and how to support one another, and this book is a nice for our grief tool kits. It helps provide perspective, and without shame or guilt, gives a road map on how to be a better grief ally and how to advocate as grievers.

Contact Info:

• Website: https://www.thekindnessconcierge.com/
• Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/the_kindness_concierge/

Image Credits

Ashtyn Anderson
Amy K Wright Photography
Arianne Autaubo Martinez