We caught up with the brilliant and insightful Tobi Hough a few weeks ago and have shared our conversation below.
Hi Tobi, so excited to have you with us today and we are really interested in hearing your thoughts about how folks can develop their empathy? In our experience, most folks want to be empathic towards others, but in a world where we are often only surrounded by people who are very similar to us, it can sometimes be a challenge to develop empathy for others who might not be as similar to us. Any thoughts or advice?
I love connections. As a physician who predominately cares for women who are suffering with a high-risk pregnancy, I am able to spend a lot of time with my patients who are hospitalized for days, weeks, even sometimes months on my unit. I love to hear about where they’re from, what they do, who they know, what hobbies they enjoy. This allows me to find some commonality with most people. You grew up in Shelby County-me too. You play paddleball-so do I. You went to that high school. Do you know Jane Doe? You do. She was my sorority sister. It’s a game I love to play. I enjoy the challenge of finding something we have in common, because once we have something in common, I’m no longer the scary doctor taking care of their scary problem. Now I’m more than that, I’m the person who took an interest in them personally, not just their diagnosis. And that person is a little bit more worthy of their trust. That person opens up channels of communication. That person earns the right to hear about how they are truly feeling and what they are scared of most. That person gets the opportunity to exhibit true empathy, not something contrived or superficial. I always try to be that person.
Great, so let’s take a few minutes and cover your story. What should folks know about you and what you do?
I love roller coasters. When I was five, I hit my mouth on the safety bar of the Red Racer and blood quickly saturated my cute yellow romper. I squirmed in my dad’s arms as he tried to comfort me, until, finally, I wriggled free and sprinted back into the line. “Let’s go again!”
I’ve always craved the speed, ups and downs, twists and turns. The sensation of the wind blowing through my hair while my stomach was doing flip flops. This probably explains a lot.
My wonderful husband, James, and I married the summer after our junior year in college, 31 years ago. I planned to go to medical school, and decided, before even starting, we should have our first child during my first year. I thought it was a great plan as it never occurred to me you weren’t supposed to have a baby in medical school. It might have been easy were it not for the horrific car accident that landed me in the trauma bay where I learned I was pregnant, disfigured and broken. Casts and surgeries were required. Lots of them. As a result, my acceptance to medical school was temporarily withdrawn. This was a low point in my life. Nothing was as I had dreamed it would be. I considered things at this time I never imagined I would. I did not enjoy this ride,
None-the-less, I survived medical school and had baby number two my fourth year. Somewhat reluctantly, I felt called to pursue a career in OB/GYN. And after a brief struggle with infertility, baby number three arrived my third year of residency. I joined a private practice in an idyllic, river town in southern Indiana. The perfect place to raise a family. We were on a high. But the thing about roller coasters is, when you reach the peak of the hill, there’s always a valley that follows it. We had always wanted four children and after seven years of infertility, learning our sweet daughter, Belle, had a chromosomal anomaly, many tears, and much prayer, we decided to pursue adoption.
We’re picking up speed again. Woo-hoo. Our adoption story is ridiculous. We were matched the day after we completed our home-study and our fourth daughter was born that same day! Three years later, our daughter’s birthmother was expecting and asked us to take placement. We threw up our hands and decided to enjoy the ride. In a short sixteen months, our first son joined the family. Born nine weeks early at a mere 2 pounds 12 ounces, his entry into the world and the NICU was rougher than an old wooden coaster. And just when we thought it was time to leave the amusement park, in 2019, our youngest children’s three older biological brothers joined the family, too. So now there’s nine. Yes, I said nine. Five girls and four boys. Three white and six black. The twists and turns just keep coming.
Why do I share all this? Because, like the rides I love, our life has been full of ups and down and highs and lows. Alternating between supreme happiness and bitter disappointment. But, despite this, there has always been joy. A peace that surpasses understanding. A realization that God could use all my life experiences to help me better understand and serve others. To help me connect to those who are struggling. To foster empathy.
In the last few years, I have begun writing and speaking. It was as if God said, “you’ve enjoyed the ride long enough. Now it’s time to put the lessons I’ve taught you to use.” I love encouraging audiences to embrace the unexpected aspects of their lives. To boldly seek out and walk through the open doors God has placed before them. To speak the truth in love while offering hope to the hurting. To be life givers, not death dealers. Not surprisingly, my first keynote address was titled “Four E’s of Eternally Effective Empathy.”
Still, I don’t think I’m quite ready to give up roller coasters yet. Someone needs to ride with my four grandchildren…
If you had to pick three qualities that are most important to develop, which three would you say matter most?
Evaluate. Equip. Engage. Each of has a unique calling. We possess different talents, passions, and skills. We were created to do different things. We live and work in different places. We encounter different people. In light of this, I encourage everyone to evaluate their life. Who are you? What are your areas of giftedness and expertise? Who in your sphere of influence can you serve? Evaluate your life. How can you help? Who can you help?
To do a job well, you must be prepared. Bobby Knight said, “Most people have the will to win, few have the will to prepare to win.” If you want to be effective, if you want to serve others well, if you want “to win” you must equip yourself. Once you have evaluated your life and have determined what you were created to do, how you can help, then go out and study, work out, take classes, ask questions, practice. Do whatever you need to do to be the best at what you do. Get equipped.
The last E is the hardest of all, because this is where you put yourself out there. It’s where you become vulnerable. ENGAGE. Once you’ve evaluated your life and you’ve equipped yourself, you must take the next step. Go out and do what you were called to do. You might be insulted, or discouraged, but this is no excuse to give up. Seek out opportunities to serve others using your unique talents. Engage. If you don’t do this, you will never experience great joy and contentment.
Thanks so much for sharing all these insights with us today. Before we go, is there a book that’s played in important role in your development?
I love to read, but there is no question, the Bible is the book that has impacted me the most as an adult. I love it all, but specifically the books of Proverbs and James changed my life. Proverbs is bursting with practical advice I use every day. There are 31 chapters and 31 days in most months, so I read a chapter a day. I find it so interesting that a woman is used to depict both wisdom and folly. It reminds me that every conversation I participate in, everything I decide to do, every idea I choose to ruminate on can lead me down a path where I become kinder, wiser, more generous and compassionate or harder, contemptuous, greedy. Foolish. Proverbs encourages me to pursue wisdom above all else. James is a short book, but it is so convicting! Here I am encouraged to be joyful when I am faced with trials, because these tests will lead to perseverance and endurance. In my own life, I know this to be true. I am challenged to be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry. I used to say this to my husband every day on his way out the door to work. How much time have I wasted trying to think up witty retorts, when I should have been listening? Don’t just be a hearer, be a doer. Why waste time listening to good advice if you have no intention of implementing it? And finally, James 1:27 “Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress…” No explanation needed.
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