Meet Tom Mclaughlin

 

We were lucky to catch up with Tom Mclaughlin recently and have shared our conversation below.

Tom, we’ve been so fortunate to work with so many incredible folks and one common thread we have seen is that those who have built amazing lives for themselves are also often the folks who are most generous. Where do you think your generosity comes from?

A hugely impactful aspect of my identity is rooted in my being a survivor of Catholic clergy sexual abuse. At the age of 16, an Irish Christian brother assaulted me. He was a religion teacher and administrator at my all-boys Catholic high school in Seattle, and I had asked him to be my sponsor for the Catholic Sacrament of Confirmation. Weighed down by shame and fearful of being judged, I kept this dark secret for four years. Nevertheless, I managed to excel in academics, sports, and student leadership, eventually earning an Air Force ROTC scholarship to the University of Notre Dame.

When I finally spoke about what I had endured, I naively chose the absolute worst person to tell, a Catholic priest who tried using that knowledge to seduce me. Fortunately, I escaped that fate.

Despite my outward success as a young man, the wounds from these attacks wreaked havoc on my life for many years. In my twenties, I sunk into severe depression and considered ending my life. It wasn’t that I wanted to die so much as the pain had exhausted me. During this period, I began intentional inner work, plumbing the depths of my past and present while trying to decide what I wanted for my future. I found that I could compost the ugliness and suffering I had experienced and use that energy to grow beauty.

One of the most impactful fruits of those dark years is my capacity for compassion. I know what it’s like to get stuck in the quicksand of immeasurable grief and see no way out. I know what it’s like to long for a permanent end to relentless suffering. In the midst of my darkest night of the soul, my family and friends continued loving me and lifting me up. I heard their loving words and saw their loving actions. But it was as if my heart had become a sieve, and their love rushed through me without nourishing my being. I also know what it’s like to feel like a failure because everyone but me can see my beauty, goodness, and potential.

So, when I see a person living on the streets of Portland, when I encounter an angry colleague, when I hear about someone committing a terrible crime, when I read about a person ending their own life, I have some inkling about how they could have gotten to that point. I’ve been there, too. It’s my woundedness that helps me see the humanity of the other.

Years after emerging from that depression, during an active imagination journey, I would learn that what saved my life after the assaults and during the darkness of the years that followed was my yearning for love. I believed in love, and I wanted it. I wanted to experience that heart-pounding, soul-expanding, mind-blowing, and body-enhancing love that mystics, poets, philosophers, and artists have tried to express for eons. In the receiving and the giving, I wanted to know love in the whole of my being. That kept me going.

Still does.

Thanks for sharing that. So, before we get any further into our conversation, can you tell our readers a bit about yourself and what you’re working on?

Broadly speaking, my work with individuals and groups explores the intersections of spirituality and psychology, mindfulness and authenticity, your stories and mine, love and longing, being and becoming. Seeking our own inner wisdom as well as gazing through the lenses of wisdom traditions from around the world and across time, we explore Big Life Questions, the ones particular to us and those that people have been wrestling with since the dawn of human consciousness. Who are we, and how do we become our best selves? What are the implications of living in an interdependent relationship with the Earth and its countless inhabitants, human and non-human? How do I find the love of my life? In this infinitely diverse universe, how do I and we be inclusive and equitable so that everyone belongs, and wants to?

Recently, I’ve been offering families an experience called the Legacy Project which nourishes love through myriad activities that deepen our understanding of our families, communities, and ourselves. Our stories are sacred containers filled with treasures of unimaginable wealth. Whether we meet for one day, a weekend, or several times a year, we explore individual and collective stories; uncover insights and gifts they carry; express those stories through words, images, recordings, and actions; archive them for ourselves, those we love, and the ones we’ll someday love; and create new memories and stories. Finally, we take the gifts we’ve received and the treasures we discovered, and we use them to serve a world. that desperately needs people who are on fire with commitment to fulfill their genuine purpose.

If you had to pick three qualities that are most important to develop, which three would you say matter most?

Openness to change, the ability to compost suffering into beauty, and mindfulness are three things that deeply impact my spiritual journey.

I grew up in a traditional, conservative Catholic home. When Susan Weeks, my intro to theology professor at Notre Dame, introduced me to the concept of God as She, I was angry and troubled. But I could not stop thinking about her reasoning: if we insist on addressing God only as He, then we shut ourselves off from infinite possibilities of encountering the Divine. I changed my mind, and I began wondering what other beliefs of mine I needed to challenge. Recently, I found a letter I wrote to my dad about that experience, and I told him not to worry; I had resolved my initial upset around the professor’s directive. I also wrote that despite other challenges to my young faith, that class was my favorite. I know in my bones that Whoever or Whatever God is or might be, that Mystery, that Source wants me to question, to wonder, and to follow my curiosity. That leads me deeper into Love.

Earlier, I spoke of my capacity to compost suffering. Nothing is wasted. Nothing. Not only has my grief helped shape me into a man I am proud to be, but it has made possible the deepest connections I have to other humans, the planet, and all that is.

Mindfulness is a way of being that notices in this present moment the sensations in my body, the thoughts in my mind, and the emotions in my heart, and then accepts whatever I find there with loving kindness. Love is more a verb than a noun, it’s what we do more than what we feel. One of the most powerful gifts of love we can offer is our attention. We can do that for ourselves as well as others. Being mindful helps me continually deepen my self-knowledge and awareness. And this helps me be my best self in the world. At least, the best that I can be in this moment. Being mindful, I will continue discovering more of who I am and want to be, and then mindfulness will help me breathe life into what I discover in the depths of my being.

Advice? First, accept yourself right where you are. Feel what you feel. Acknowledge what you feel and think and want. These are acts of self-love. You are lovable, beautiful, and good simply because you exist. That is your essence. Your being and this universe flow from Love itself, Beauty itself, Goodness itself. Stay rooted in that understanding. Keep coming back to it when you find you’re beating yourself up again, you’re scared again, confused. Breathe and remind yourself who you are.

As we end our chat, is there a book you can leave people with that’s been meaningful to you and your development?

Books have profoundly impacted my life journey. It’s so difficult to focus on just one book. My all time favorite is the novel “Ceremony” by Leslie Marmon Silko, a gorgeous reflection on the healing power of recognizing and honoring our connection to all things. Joseph Campbell’s “Hero with A Thousand Faces” woke my symbolic mind. Carl Jung, Louise Erdrich, John Dunne, CSC, Elaine Pagels, Bryan Massingale, and countless others.

One book that I’ll focus on is “Contentment: A Way to Happiness” by Robert A. Johnson and Jerry M. Ruhl. I read this at a pivotal moment when I was struggling to find an audience for my writing, to pay my bills, and to stay in relationship with a woman who was the love of my life (she still is, and we’re married now!). The primary message I received was that my present suffering was connected to my insistence that life should be different than it was: someone should publish my book; some organization should hire me; my partner should be willing to live in a 1-bedroom basement apartment. However, that wasn’t happening, and my arguing with the universe that it should happen, that I had paid my dues, that I was a good man, these protestations were just increasing my anxiety and clouding my awareness of the beauty surrounding and infusing me. I began to realize I was still trying to live up to what I perceived to be my long-dead father’s expectations: be the best, and get rich and famous first, then write what you want to write. When I released my attachment to being extraordinary and allowed myself to be Tom, a relatively ordinary man, I felt content. Doors started opening for me.

And did I mention I’m married to the love of my life?

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Image Credits

Priscilla Macy and Jacob Cruser

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