Meet Unmarried Woman

We recently connected with Unmarried Woman and have shared our conversation below.

Hi Unmarried Woman, we’re so appreciative of you taking the time to share your nuggets of wisdom with our community. One of the topics we think is most important for folks looking to level up their lives is building up their self-confidence and self-esteem. Can you share how you developed your confidence?

This feels like an excellent question for me to respond to because I often get asked how I appear to approach each project or performance with such confidence. In terms of a specific DJ performance, the answer would be that this side of my life doesn’t exist in a vacuum. I have ways of centring myself back to a calm state during a show because I have dedicated time to finding a balance of different important components of my life: creativity through oil painting, strength through my continued practise of Muay Thai, and my full-time work as an architect which provides an independent stability, central to my self-esteem. I spent a large part of the last decade developing a lifestyle unique to my own needs, and realised that this balance of my time and effort is key to maintaining my sense of self. When I walk into a club, or onto a festival stage to DJ in front of a large crowd, I walk on with a sense of being and security that is fed by all these areas, and that reminds me to be more secure in my decisions. My painting is a particularly strong example of this, the time I spend alone painting, which can be easily for 8 hours at a time, offers a flow-state, independent from outside perspectives, and a chance to be completely myself. That can be hard to find an endlessly socially-connected world.
I realise that everyone’s version of this will look very different, but I wish for everyone to be able to find their own version of this ‘flow-state’, which feels so close to ultimate momentary contentment.

Another strategy I have found really useful, which I believe is a core component of ‘confidence’, although not often talked about, is patiently developing a sense of ‘self-trust’ over time. What does this look like? Sometimes, when we have a large looming project we have yet to start, a quick judgement to make, or even just a list of housekeeping tasks which is plaguing our thoughts, anxiety can spring up. I like to remind myself of the instances when I have completed similar tasks before, they exist as a list in my head, a resource for when I need immediate evidence that I can trust my own judgement, and even trust myself to get that ‘to do’ list done. In this way, I am continuingly cultivating a fundamental self-trust, that forms into a more grounded sense of confidence. Moments of insecurity still come, of course, an important part of being human. But this relationship with ‘self-trust’ allows for a more stable response: looking inwards at my own values, rather that purely searching for external validation.

The community that have found, personally and professionally has also given my life exceptional value. I look at not just the support I receive, but also the specifically talented, ambitious and compassionate people it comes from, and I am reminded that I am moving in the right direction. To be surrounded by individuals who share similar values to mine, and to watch them explore their own creative journeys, inspires confidence in my own path.

Thanks for sharing that. So, before we get any further into our conversation, can you tell our readers a bit about yourself and what you’re working on?

I perform regularly as a DJ under ‘Unmarried Woman’, both in clubs, at festivals and through my radio show on Refuge Worldwide in Berlin. This journey started out in Vancouver, Canada, where I spent the last 6 years. I began by hosting livestreams in my backyard, and running a regular Sunday morning radio guest show. It has been an incredible experience, giving me opportunities I could not have imagined.

Each year, this journey evolves in a new, unexpected way, for example playing in clubs or at festival I never would have dreamed of, or the chance to meet artists that have inspired me deeply.

This year, I am focusing on running my own event series ‘Unmarried Records’, the next natural step for me. The style of the events come directly from my ongoing radio show, of the same name, in which I interview people that have caught my attention in the music scene, and platform their music style. With these events, that are currently running at Marmorbar, I hope to do that same, and book DJs that have caught my eye, from different musical circles. Curating the line-up is endlessly fun, creatively part of the project, as I hope to pair together some DJs that have not played together before, in this intimate but welcoming space.

As for my oil painting, I was so pleased to have my first exhibition last year – I have been working on a series of portraits of women called ‘Unmarried//Unmastered’. It was an incredibly special and personal feeling to share this collection publicly. This year, I am focusing more on private commissions and building a larger collection to prepare my next exhibition.

If you had to pick three qualities that are most important to develop, which three would you say matter most?

I think any successful new venture begins with an in depth understanding of your own values. Asking yourself what do you stand for? What are you looking to get out of this that will be truly fulfilling? Every single creative journey will have road bumps and identifying what this project really means to your personally, will make them infinitely easier to respond to. Pursuing projects with a clear set of values also helps you define what counts as ‘taking the high road’ in the face of conflicts. These are all steps to maintaining a healthy relationship with your project in the long run. If at the core of your DJ journey, for example, your goal is just to bring more joy and fulfilling to your life, it will be important to step back and remember this if later you begin to find it stressful and overwhelming.

When taking up any new passion, there is a pattern I have observed of an enthusiastic pace as the beginning followed by a period of burn-out. This can be from exhaustion, frustration or being faced with the inevitable ‘valley of despair’ of the Dunning-Kruger effect. These stages are all typical of someone pushing themselves to new limits with a skill – it’s important to be aware of this and therefore patient with yourself when your motivation begins to slip. Reaching periods of struggle with a new skill is a good thing and results in a more informed, sustained knowledge of the skill. I think we should give ourselves more credit later on for just wanting to pursue something new, and then offer ourselves more patience down the line with every coming hurdle.

The last one I would say is, I think it can be really going to have role models. I find it useful to identify these early on, to outline a skillset you’d like to have, pursued in a way that reflects your values. You can also reframe other people you see as ‘direct competition’ as role models in a way – this helps avoid the ever-frustrating and counterproductive urge to compare our success with others.

Thanks so much for sharing all these insights with us today. Before we go, is there a book that’s played in important role in your development?

There is a book called ‘Happy’ by Derren Brown which I found transformative and I can see myself dipping back into throughout my life. It is essentially an introduction to Stoicism, beginning with the history of the early philosophers who established it, and later explaining ways it can be applied to modern life. It lays out the overarching premise that ‘we can only control what we can control’ which can sometimes feel hard to put into practise. But it is essential to remind ourselves of this to retain a sense of peace in any project we pursue. Conflict is absolutely inevitable and this guide equipped me for how handle it on my own terms.

Contact Info:

• Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/unmarried.woman
• Soundcloud: https://www.soundcloud.com/unmarriedwoman
• Other: https://www.instagram.com/unmarriedrecords

Image Credits

Kelsey Kimmel
Leigh-Ann Hazard