We were lucky to catch up with Valerie Fox recently and have shared our conversation below.
Hi Valerie , thank you so much for joining us today. There are so many topics we could discuss, but perhaps one of the most relevant is empathy because it’s at the core of great leadership and so we’d love to hear about how you developed your empathy?
My Mother was born into very poor conditions in West Virginia. She was a single mother to my oldest sibling and quiet young when her and my aunt decided to pack up their young children and move to Texas. That is where she meet and feel in love with my Father. I was born just a short time later.
My Father happens to be a Black American and my Mother is white. In the eighties, in small town Sherman, Texas, this was a very rare occurrence and I noticed my differences from everyone around me at a very early age. I remember the stares in the grocery stores. The side looks we got at the water office or varies different places we went. When I started school things were not any different. There were no children that looked like me and my younger siblings.
By nature I was a shy and nervous kid. My Father was strict, loud, and abusive and his actions had already started to shape the person I was becoming. At a young age I was afraid a lot of times for un-known reasons. I suffered with constant stomach aches and preferred the company of myself and my crafting supplies. I was always happiest and felt the most content when I was creating something. I had a sense of control that I didn’t experience anywhere else.
My Kindergarten teacher was an older lady no doubt but a few years from retirement named Mrs. Adair. Her classroom never felt inviting to me. She would laugh and smile with the other students and skip me over at morning greetings. I would raise my hand to answer or ask a question in class and she would never call on me. I would often be busy with my assignment and feel eyes on me. When I would look up at Mrs. Adair she would often be staring at me with a look that, at the time, I described as “mad.” Upon recalling these memories when I got older I realized the look was that of disgust.
At home, the abuse got so bad that my Mother left my Father when I was 9 years old. She picked us up from school early one day while my dad was at work. She drove us home and handed us a single black trash bag. She explained to us that we were playing a game and that we were to go into the house and fill up the trash bag with everything that was special to us. I ran in and immediately grabbed all my crafting supplies. It took up most of the room in my bag. I had just enough room to grab my glo worm, and a brown dress that was long and flowy that I just adored. Only when were were finished and back in the car did my Mom explain that we were leaving my Dad and going to the Women’s and Children’s shelter to be safe. I was scared. The week before, my sister and I had experienced the worst beating we had ever experienced before. I still wore the wound on forehead where he had hit me with the buckle of his belt and the bruises on my sister’s arms were a sickly yellow. I knew my Dad was going to be really mad when he found out. My Mom explained to me that the place we were going had a very large locked fence and was built to keep people like us safe. I turned around in the car and watched the old house disappear from view and I felt relief wash over my body.
The shelter was one of the happiest times in my childhood. For the first time the kids at the shelter didn’t seem to care that I looked different. They didn’t ask my questions I didn’t know the answers to. We were bonded in trauma.
We lived in the shelter about six months and my Mother gained the strength to never go back. I remember our first SAFE home vividly.
Mom was a very religious women. Bible study was a daily occurrence and when she reads the last page, she turns directly back to the first and starts the book over again. I remember my Mother looking for a church home that would love and accept her and her bi-racial children. She was never successful. She would later tell us that she was never accepted fully into any of the congregations that she had tried. She explained that “white” churches would preach sermons about her children being “abominations” and people in the Black churches seemed apprehensive of her. My Mom eventually found her “church” home alone on the old living room couch were she watched televised sermons.
I know living in small town Sherman with 3 bi-racial children molded my Mom’s parenting. My Mother preached loving your neighbor, no matter their difference to us like a mantra. She explained that judgement should only be casted by her creator. She expected us to befriend the friendless and to always show kindness and acceptance to everyone. She had no patience for us judging anyone for any reason.
My Mother would later tell me that the reason we ended up at the shelter is because HER very own Mother had told her when I was born that she “better not bring that black baby back here.” She explained to me the importance of not shunning people for their differences and to love the outcasts just a little bit more.
Her teaching stuck with me throughout childhood and by the time I was in middle school my friend circle consisted of 4 of us “misfits.” You had bi-racial me, a boy that liked to wear “girl” cloths, an extremely overweight girl that sweated all the time, and a little Mexican girl that was a tad promiscuous. We were a motley crew but we were happy and we had each other.
That trend didn’t stop in middle school. I have the ability to not just see a homeless person, someone hooked on drugs, or a mentally ill individual and still see the HUMAN that is there. Throughout my lifetime I find myself surrounded by communities that are marginalized in one form or another and this is where I feel most at home.
I know that my empathy comes from not only living the life of an outsider but also from my Mom. I know now as an adult that the empathy that exudes from my Mother is an amazing strength that not everyone has and isn’t commonly found. I absorbed many positive traits from my Mom. My work ethic and determination come from her as well but her empathy is the trait that I hold dearest to my heart.
Thanks for sharing that. So, before we get any further into our conversation, can you tell our readers a bit about yourself and what you’re working on?
I am still a shy person that feels like my soul is that of a young adult. I have the ability to play an extrovert well but it comes at a severe cost. I battle mental health diagnosis’ of severe anxiety, panic disorder, depression, and complex PTSD.
While some people see this as weakness I have learned that these diagnosis’ can be used as a super power as well.
My fear for my Children’s future is what fueled me to run for office in 2018 and catapulted me into “local fame.” {my husband’s words. haha} I have two children that belong to the LGBTQ+ community and their very right to exist was under attack. It still is!
I ran for office not to win, but to make a point. MY children will not be bullied.
After the election, I took that new found “fame” and used it to raise money to create my non-profit Grayson Pride. In 2019 I was able to bring Sherman, Texas their very first Pride celebration! Four years later and Grayson Pride is stronger than ever.
I spent all of my 20’s and most of my 30’s busy raising my 4 children. The majority of the time alone.
Throughout the years, I have never quit creating. Creating still brings me the peace that no amount of therapy or medication can bring. I have learned it is one of the most powerful things I can do to combat my mental illnesses.
I find myself now with plenty of time on my hands to do just that….create. I like abstract art because I can use color and shapes to convey complicated feelings that are hard to put into words.
I have recently relaunched my dream of becoming a known Artist. You can find me and my works on my Facebook Page Fixations Of V. Fox.
There is so much advice out there about all the different skills and qualities folks need to develop in order to succeed in today’s highly competitive environment and often it can feel overwhelming. So, if we had to break it down to just the three that matter most, which three skills or qualities would you focus on?
1. Fear can be used as fuel. No doubt I have found myself in some places I never saw myself by taking my fear and using it to force growth.
2. Grit is a must. Most good things don’t come easily. In fact, most of the things you try will result in a fail. If you do not tap into your inner “grit” and keep going, even when you think you can’t, you will accomplish nothing.
3. Understanding that what works for someone else, might not necessarily work for you and vise vera. Understand that each person unique perspective and lived experiences shapes a persons reaction to stimuli. This is true with everything from how a person raises their children to how they view a piece of art.
What has been your biggest area of growth or improvement in the past 12 months?
The biggest area of growth that I have experienced in the past 12 months is realizing I am a “people pleaser” and how to balance that.
People pleasers tend to continue to pour from their cup when they have nothing left to pour. This coupled with my extreme empathy has caused me to lift others even at my own expense.
I have had to learn to be okay with the consequences of not always putting others well being above my own. The people that love you and matter will get over it.
I hold on to the saying: When you are uncomfortable you are growing.
Contact Info:
- Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/fixationsofvfox/
- Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/FixationsOfV.Fox/
- Linkedin: Valerie Fox
- Other: TikTok: FixationsOfVFox
Image credit:
Toni Ramirez
