Meet Valerie Swinton Kirby

We’re excited to introduce you to the always interesting and insightful Valerie Swinton Kirby. We hope you’ll enjoy our conversation with Valerie below.

Hi Valerie, so excited to have you with us today and we are really interested in hearing your thoughts about how folks can develop their empathy? In our experience, most folks want to be empathic towards others, but in a world where we are often only surrounded by people who are very similar to us, it can sometimes be a challenge to develop empathy for others who might not be as similar to us. Any thoughts or advice?
Of all things, my growing into an empathetic person began when I was ten and lost my mother. Huge blow. At her funeral there were a lot of well-meaning comments to me that were meant to comfort, but they didn’t. I remembered that. Then my brother drowned when I was eighteen. Another huge blow. Same kind of useless but well-meaning sayings.

Then my late husband had long-term health issues. I donated one of my kidney’s to him in 2004. Next his death. Another massive blow.

Then came the pandemic. Watching the news, I saw so many people sobbing that they didn’t get to be with their spouse or other loved ones for various reasons. Then when they lost their loved ones, they could all be heard to say, “How can I continue to live without them?”

Holy spirit spoke to me while I was watching the news and it said, “You need to write a book about loss, and how to move forward after it. Because there is hope after a loss.”

So, I spoke to my fiancee who had also lost his wife after a long illness. We decided to do a book together.

Thanks for sharing that. So, before we get any further into our conversation, can you tell our readers a bit about yourself and what you’re working on?
When my fiancee (now husband) and I began working on the book, we felt that others may have a lot to offer on the subject of grief. So we went about finding people who would be willing to tell their story for our book. Fred and I told our stories and we sent those to potential contributors.

Wow, it was amazing how many stories we got back that showed so many grief paths and how they came through it. They added so much to the book.

By the way, before I forget, the title of that book is “Good Grief: A Journey From Lost to Love”. It took us about one year from idea to publication. We set up our own publishing house just in case anybody else had a book on that topic or on a related topic. We wanted to be able to help people get the word out that may not be able to on their own. Our company is SoftTouchPublishing.com.

We’ve had about 50 book signings in the two years since it has come out. We have been very fortunate to have something practical and comforting to offer the many who come by and purchase the book. It seems so many have been looking for something like that.

We feel blessed that God used us in this way.

Looking back, what do you think were the three qualities, skills, or areas of knowledge that were most impactful in your journey? What advice do you have for folks who are early in their journey in terms of how they can best develop or improve on these?
I started my career as a special needs elementary teacher. Dealing with my students’ limitations meant I had to learn very quickly how to be creative in reaching each child according to their needs. I could not assume anything about them, thus I had to be attentive to the clues they gave me about their abilities, etc.

That takes patience. It takes a willingness to listen. And it also means I cannot assume I know it all. Even those children could teach me something about how to deal with them in the real world.

One thing I advise is that no job is perfect or always fun. Accept that. Now what can you do? You can put your best effort forward and know that you will make mistakes. Instead of getting discouraged that you were wrong or mad that you were told you were wrong, let your ego take a back seat and listen.

Sounds simple and it is, though not necessarily easy. But oh, so worth it in the long run.

What’s been one of your main areas of growth this year?
Fred and I just celebrated our first anniversary September 17, 2023. We had both been married before (Fred, 20 years; me, 24 years), then we both lost our spouses and were without a partner for many years. The biggest challenge, then, to me at least, is that Fred and I are both comfortable in our own skins and aren’t full of the angst young couples have in building a relationship. It’s a good place to be, but it is our third change in our lives and we’re still adjusting, though in a good way.

My last thought is this: Be yourself. Be truthful with yourself. Be authentic. In other words, let your social media posts match your real life.

Or as Harold Melvin and The Blue Notes said in their song, “Be for real. Just be for real.”

You’ll be much happier and a positive influence in wherever you are.

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