Meet Veronica Puryear

We recently connected with Veronica Puryear and have shared our conversation below.

Veronica, we are so appreciative of you taking the time to open up about the extremely important, albeit personal, topic of mental health. Can you talk to us about your journey and how you were able to overcome the challenges related to mental issues? For readers, please note this is not medical advice, we are not doctors, you should always consult professionals for advice and that this is merely one person sharing their story and experience.

I started out in life—as many sensitive people do—feeling different, depressed, and anxious. I rarely slept through the night as a kid and often felt a mix of overthinking, rage, isolation, and full body freeze. I was regularly criticized for being shy or celebrated for being smart or mature for my age but the truth was that I was just trying to be invisible and make it through the day with the coping mechanisms that I had. This pattern has also shown up in my romantic relationships as an adult.

I will save the longer and more detailed arc of my journey with depression and anxiety for another space, but for now, I’d like to share that shifting how I feel about my thoughts, reactions, and bodily sensations has changed everything about how I experience life and help others heal trauma, relationship anxiety, attachment wounds, and depression without diagnoses or medication. These behaviors are not shortcomings or a reflection of my actual personality but a sign of nervous system dysregulation and adaptations to a broken culture.

First of all, at a certain point, I decided that there is nothing wrong with me. My feelings have roots in real experiences and genuine stress. I believe that my reactions and coping mechanisms make sense. I also believe that underneath things we often see as character flaws there is strength. Adults may have seen me as a shy kid, but looking back, all I see is a badass who protected her energy when things didn’t feel right. Good for her!

With the belief that nothing is wrong with me, there is no need, nor room for shame or analysis which makes me more available for joy and connection. If you’re reading this without being familiar with the depth and nuance of my work you might find this perspective dismissive or oversimplified. There are, of course, several other science- and spiritually-based elements to the healing process, but I cannot overstate the importance of releasing shame and fear of the emotions themselves.

Releasing shame and fear means that I don’t have to ‘fix’ my feelings which means I can relax a lot more. With this, the tension of depression and anxiety is turned down by normalizing their existence and is further eased by all of the evidence I now have that most of my feelings won’t last forever.

Because I know they won’t last forever, I am not afraid of what it means to feel depressed or frozen in a particular moment, therefore, I have no resistance to blue feelings and because I have no resistance, my body feels heard and cared for. When my body feels that its signals are received and respected, and I slow down, switch gears, or get help when it tells me to, then the signals do not need to become alarm bells.

This all means I have enough space to shift whatever physical or environmental things I need to shift to turn my body back on again. Again, because I have a relationship with these moments and even see the wisdom and healing potential in my unique way of moving through emotions, I don’t have to rush myself to feel better because I trust the timeline. Full confession, I also kind of enjoy and find humor in my darkest thoughts. Why not!

The same could be true for you too. When you are no longer fighting your feelings and learn to move through life without shutting them off, things will begin to flow more freely. More than releasing resistance, you might also begin to normalize things that you have typically feared or avoided. I welcome you to take or leave this perspective, but as an example, I believe that depression, anxiety, trauma, and intrusive thoughts are all pretty normal parts of being human. Part of releasing resistance is also releasing the belief that any of these things automatically mean that you are broken or need to be fixed.

Thanks, so before we move on maybe you can share a bit more about yourself?

Hi! I’m Veronica (aka Indelicate Coaching) and I’m a little bit magic.

In sessions, I help single folks and couples heal the root causes of clunky patterns so they can have more fun and understanding in their sex and relationships. We do more than talk about how your mind and body experiences intimacy, we rewire and reframe with new skills for lasting success.

We’re talking somatic and subconscious wizardry meets high-level love artistry. All in one place!

Outside of sessions, I’m hiding under the kitchen counter and giggling until somebody finds me. Otherwise, I’m chatting and celebrating with clients through their wins and SOS moments while I look out my window to watch for eagles and whales.

I’ve learned a lot on my own road to reclaiming pleasure and sensuality after major life transitions, breakups, burnout from a fast-paced career, chronic illness, and a herpes diagnosis. As my adult relationships grow deeper, I am also learning how much I must reprogram my own nervous system and conscious and unconscious beliefs to be able to hold the sweetness, triggers, collaboration, BIG energy, and conflict that comes along with true partnership.

Before following my dream of becoming an anxiety whisperer and intimacy healer, I had a 10+ year career in public service and social justice. My work is holistic, culturally competent, inclusive of many lifestyles, and, yes, a little magical.

In addition to my degrees in Psychology with a minor in Sociology and a Masters in Public Management, I have trained with the Somatica Institute and a very humorous Universe.

I’m a Scorpio moon, cat mom, and a stone cold fox. PNW is home.​

There is so much advice out there about all the different skills and qualities folks need to develop in order to succeed in today’s highly competitive environment and often it can feel overwhelming. So, if we had to break it down to just the three that matter most, which three skills or qualities would you focus on?

1. Storytelling, analysis, and using the exact ‘correct’ healing words are not helping you to heal or release damaging relationship patterns.

First of all, the perfectionism of trying to be perfectly happy, securely attached, and saying all of the words ‘right’ is like being in an controlling or abusive relationship with yourself. Not only that, but if you have the inner experience of being deeply critical and hyper-vigilant, there’s no way that’s not also getting on your loved ones.

Second, Storytelling and analysis keep you in your intellectual mind which is influenced by, but separate from, your emotions which begin as sensations in your body that are not only happening right now but are also a byproduct of all of your earlier experiences and even ancestry.

There are so many benefits to learning the language of the body! Not only does it improve relationships and enhance capacity for pleasure and big feelings, we can also find true safety in the body so we can feel dramatically less anxious and stressed in day-to-day life.

In relationship, I have learned that it is absolutely crucial to recognize these conscious and unconscious things happening in our minds, energy, and bodies that can turn a small blip in our system into a whole fight.

In partnership myself and as a counselor for relationships, I invite you to notice not only your own body and energy but your partner’s as well as I help you communicate in increasingly vulnerable, clear, courageous, and sexy ways. This helps us love deeper and get out of conflict faster as we finally understand all of the unspoken energy and feelings between us.

2. We are not as vulnerable as we think we are, me included.

This one is a whole journey. I’m a pretty honest and authentic person so I’ve also considered myself an open book. That is, until I found a lover that tilted my chin up to look directly into his eyes. In that moment I realized how much of my feelings and processes are deeply private.

Of course, there is nothing wrong with privacy, but how much of my feelings had I never revealed before now? How many conversations have I started in the middle because I’ve already rehearsed so much of what I planned to say so I could get it exactly right and never be misunderstood?

I’ve started to notice this in clients as well. You wouldn’t believe the goofy, clumsy, petrified moments that occur between even partners that have been married for decades when I have them actually face each other and say things with direct touch or eye contact. Panic!

It’s not that we’re not being dishonest, but we’re not truly being the moment or revealing our full hearts. This is a delicate (and indelicate!) balance to discover. It’s been a really juicy revelation for me and one of my favorite practices to share with clients where we get to practice expressiveness, saying the ‘messy’ thing with love, and not shielding ourselves so much from disappointment, feedback, or making mistakes.

3. Let go of ‘Right’ and ‘Wrong’

I am guided by the logic of love. I believe that everything about you makes sense and that, mostly, people are good even if their behavior is not. It is both who I am and a product of my specialized relationship training to never vilify people even when they disappoint.

In my world, you get to feel hurt without labeling anyone. You can own your faults without beating yourself up and there does not need to be any punishment or blame in order for feelings to be valid or for apologies to be accepted. I believe that people make mistakes when they are dysregulated, uninformed, and under-resourced; that they lie to protect themselves from pain or loss; and that they control, nag, withhold, or manipulate to create a sense of safety and hold on tight to love. I also believe that these actions—when understood—can be changed and relationships can be repaired. It is my mission to tenderly and firmly shake people out of the comfort of seeing things in black and white and to share this view with the world even when it is unpopular.

Tell us what your ideal client would be like?

My clients tend to be perfectionists who are sensitive but also deeply practiced in intellectualizing their emotions. This means they have done lots of therapy, studying, or put in a lot of energy to fixing themselves and their relationships. They have probably had some success through sheer force of will, but they haven’t quite found the ease and pleasure they hope for.

What I help them realize is that their anxiety and overwork (effort that others almost always seem to not be able to match) is a byproduct of a great big life force that is trying to blossom from within. If you dream of expressing yourself with joy and passion then you have it in you, you just need some help dropping the analysis and protective mechanisms that are running the show.

Once we are able to shift their old habits, my most anxious and frustrated in love clients find themselves laughing and flirting their way through even the toughest challenges with their partners. They’re spending WAY less time worrying and start taking up the space that is meant for them.

Contact Info:

• Website: https://www.indelicatecoaching.com
• Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/indelicate_coaching/
• Other: Buy my book here:
  https://www.indelicatecoaching.com/product-page/indelicate-intimacy-the-book