We recently connected with Aimiende Negbenebor Sela and have shared our conversation below.
Hi Aimiende, we’re so appreciative of you taking the time to share your nuggets of wisdom with our community. One of the topics we think is most important for folks looking to level up their lives is building up their self-confidence and self-esteem. Can you share how you developed your confidence?
Well, this is quite a biggie! Confidence and Self-esteem… How does one develop them? I imagine behavioral scientists, which I am not, would say it starts at home from a very young age, and of course ones parents and environment growing up play a crucial role in the process. Self esteem comes from without not within, and confidence is gained (developed over time with practice) not harnessed, it’s elusive.
I didn’t grow up with a high esteem, and I certainly wasn’t very confident. I didn’t feel smart, I didn’t feel pretty, I was this nappy haired dark skinned girl growing up in an environment where you were encouraged to bleach your skin and straighten your hair if you wanted to be desirable or attractive. I did neither, and somehow found my world in books.
I loved reading, still do, and I got lost in films. I watched everything I could. You know what I just realized? I didn’t see the inside of a theater, a movie theater, till I was in my twenties. How nutty is that? Wow. But, yeah, I watched all the films and shows I could watch on TV and this allowed my imagination to take flight.
I studied computer engineering and literature and worked in I.T. for a few years before finding my way to the arts. It took me not being able to find my place in corporate America, and my friend (and co-director of my first short film) believing in me for me to make that leap. Once I did, I was in. And, I credit the support from my dad for making me believe in the first place, that I could take that leap.
I learned on the go, made a lot of mistakes, and got better. I think that’s how I began to develop confidence in myself as a writer and a filmmaker. I recall an encounter I had with a gentleman who had connections to established producers and I was seeking one for my second short film. He took me out to coffee and I pitched him. He generously listened and at the end told me point blank that he wasn’t going to make any introductions. It wasn’t because he thought I wasn’t talented, which prompted me to inquire about what was making him hesitant. His response was “you haven’t made enough mistakes yet.” Ouch. That comment stuck with me however, and over time, I came to understand, it made sense. With each passing year, each new project (I’ve made thirteen short films so far), I’ve wondered how many more mistakes till I’m “good?” Of course, I can’t answer that question, nobody can. But, I can tell you that I’m good at what do. There’s a quiet confidence in me that I admire and I’m grateful for. And I think that came with time, making mistakes, learning, growing and acknowledging my growth. You have to do that. You have to see, acknowledge your own progress along with everybody else. You can’t simply focus on the mistakes. Let those spur you on because now you’ve learned one more way not to do a thing and are inspired to try other ways to do the thing, and hopefully do it better.
That’s the combo for me. Acknowledgement from without, stirring up acknowledgement from within and letting time do what she does best — grant me the experiences to grow my confidence in my abilities.
Great, so let’s take a few minutes and cover your story. What should folks know about you and what you do?
I am Nigerian. I was raised in Nigeria and unofficially adopted by my Jewish family from the Bronx, so I grew up there as well. It’s where my second last name, Sela (which means Rock) comes from. I graduated from Stevens Institute of Technology with degrees in Computer Engineering and Literature and was recently awarded a distinguished alumni award in the arts and humanities. My husband and I live bi-coastally between Brooklyn (where he grew up) and Long Beach.
I’m the founder of Sela Films, a boutique indie production company where we focus on creating media showcasing a diverse range of cultures with substance and value that educate even as they entertain. Our motto is “inclusivity inspires creativity.” And personally, I believe we all live the same lives, just colored differently… I think this heavily influences my work as well.
As a writer and director, I get to explore so many themes, take ideas that form in my mind’s eye and transfer them to paper, and then to screen with the help of such amazing and talented artists… It’s just incredible to see how each person colors the film, the story, after it’s come out of my head. Even the process of getting it on paper tweaks the story a bit from what I imagined, and it just keeps getting chiseled away at, sculpted and molded until it becomes what you see on screen. And even then, its journey isn’t over because each audience member brings their perspectives to the story and color it even further as they are being impacted by it. I love this part of story-telling, truly. It’s what makes everything, what it takes to make a film, worthwhile for me. The icing on the cake, of course, are the awards.
I’m so excited right now about a new milestone on my film-making journey. My musical drama short film, “As the Cookie Crumbles” won the Best Short Film award at the Bronzelens Film Festival in Atlanta, and that win qualified it for the Oscars! “As the Cookie Crumbles” is officially long-listed for the 96th Academy Awards. If we are one of the fifteen films that get to compete, it’ll be the first ever black short musical film short-listed, and of course, if we win… that would simply be incredible. You can check out the trailer and learn more about the film on our website selafilms.com/atcc and if you are a member of the Academy, the full film is available for viewing in the Academy screening room. Definitely check it out.
We hope to host a handful of screenings with Q&A’s and a reception as we embark on our campaign as well, so keep your eyes peeled for those announcements by signing up for our newsletter or following us on social media and pop by if we hit your city to meet some of us and chat about the film.
Looking back, what do you think were the three qualities, skills, or areas of knowledge that were most impactful in your journey? What advice do you have for folks who are early in their journey in terms of how they can best develop or improve on these?
Tenacity, a willingness to learn, and asking for help.
I don’t know what categories these three elements fall into, whether they are skills or qualities/attributes or wisdom/knowledge really, but I do know they are crucial for self development, which is crucial for living a fulfilled life and that includes your career.
When I say tenacity, I’m not necessarily speaking about being so bull-headed that you end up harming rather than helping your cause. I’m simply talking about trying. It’s a concept that I’ve found works for me. I try. And, I encourage others to do the same. If you give it your all and it doesn’t work out the way you hoped, you know it would not have been for lack of trying or making a wholehearted attempt. You will learn something new and build your confidence by developing more skills and a level of resilience that’ll not only keep you going, but help you thrive. You want to thrive. You want to do more than just keep going, and you need resilience for that. Tenacity is in that family. It helps build resilience.
A willingness to learn, and I mean from everyone and every situation that presents a learning opportunity. This doesn’t mean going at every encounter you have in your life with a notepad and a full pen of black ink. I think that may be a bit intense. Sometimes, that willingness can look like you sitting still on a meditation pillow and letting go, clearing your mind so that you are open to receiving whatever piece of wisdom, insight or knowledge that’s coming your way. Other times, it could be you having a long conversation with an elder. We sometimes forget that the older folks in our lives have things they can teach us… It could look like you realizing you’ve just made a colossal mistake and owning it. It could look like so many things. It’s the awareness, the being present, and of course the humility that the act of learning demands of you that allows you to do so…to actually learn. So, remain open and willing to learn and the process of growth might sometimes not be so painful, I think, lol!
And, what was my last thing? Yes, asking for help. You have to learn when to ask for help and actually do so…ask. Not imply, or insinuate, suggest… No. Come out and ask for help. As we get more confident and self assured, especially if you are someone who has been through a lot and come out on the other side of it, albeit with a few battle scars, it’s easy to forget that someone somewhere at some point lent you a hand. That someone helped you in some small or big way, that you didn’t do it completely alone though it may have felt like it. It could make you forget to actually admit to yourself first that you need help when you do, and that’s the first step.
Sometimes, seeking help could literally be you having to hire an extra freelancer or part-time employee, it could be going to therapy, becoming a part of a community. It could be seeking out an additional investor, or reaching out to a mentor for advice. Again, just like the willingness to learn, asking for help can take many forms. The bottom line is first you try and when you realize you need help, ask for it.
What do you do when you feel overwhelmed? Any advice or strategies?
Filmmaking can be an extremely overwhelming process, and it can become all-consuming if you let it, just like so many careers.
My husband interviewed me on his podcast, “The Self Help Antidote”, the other day and the topic of the conversation centered around failure. Essentially, failing forward toward your success. It was a fun podcast, you should give it a listen. We talked about a recent failure I had, the impact it had on me and what I learned from it. One thing we touched on that just popped in my head was the thing about trying. He talked about watching me sit at my computer and work for like fifteen hours straight and then quitting. He was like “you quit, everyday!” I would get frustrated and literally just be done with it. I’d stop, pour myself a glass of wine, cuddle up on the couch and watch Netflix.
The thing about it though, is that taking that break from the work and coming back to it with fresh eyes the next day or so, usually ends up being what I needed to do. So, my advice for you when things get overwhelming is to push pause. Step away from the problem. A little bit of distance will generally give you a new perspective or some clarity or simply allow you to tap into more of your brainpower cause you got some rest.
I practice yoga and I really believe in the positive effects of meditation. I’ve found these practices to be so good for both my physical and mental health. My second piece of advice is practice yoga at any level and meditation. There are some really good meditation apps out there that you can subscribe to. I use Insight Timer. I’ve used Headspace in the past as well. Find one that you feel drawn to and download the app. Even if you can only quiet your mind for five minutes, those five minutes of stillness will be worth their weight in gold.
Surround yourself with people you trust and admire, who can simply sit on the phone with you if that’s what you need, or go grab a cup of tea with you. Talk about what you’re feeling overwhelmed with. Talking helps. Sometimes, you find the solution to a problem or obstacle just by talking about it, out loud, preferably to someone you trust and who is supportive of you.
Lastly, I have learned that one of the best ways to teach something is by repetition (it’s the best way to learn too since practice makes perfect, or at least so the saying goes) so I’m going to repeat this for yours and my benefit — ask for help.
Contact Info:
- Website: https://www.selafilms.com
- Instagram: @selafilms
- Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/selafilms
- Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/aimiende
- Twitter: @selafilmsllc
Image Credits
Stephen St. Peter Andrew Rubin Scott Lewis Aimiende Negbenebor Sela
