Meet Conor Dubin

Hi Conor, so excited to have you with us today and we are really interested in hearing your thoughts about how folks can develop their empathy? In our experience, most folks want to be empathic towards others, but in a world where we are often only surrounded by people who are very similar to us, it can sometimes be a challenge to develop empathy for others who might not be as similar to us. Any thoughts or advice?
Empathy is a huge idea. The third book in may series is called “Princess Arrainee and the search for Pet Hamy.” and Pet Hamy is an anagram for empathy. On the surface, the book is a story about a princess that has lost her pet pig, Hamy, but if you replace the the pig’s name with Empathy, the reader can understand the book’s deeper message. Specifically, what empathy is, how we lose it, what the world looks like without it, and how we get it back. I believe empathy is the “gateway drug” to gratitude and I believe it is one of our greatest strengths when we can access it.

The conditions that helped me develop empathy may seem comical but it all happened over three days while dealing with a particularly difficult time in my life. I remember not having left my bed for about three days and I wasn’t answering my phone either. There was a lot of life catching up to me all at once and I remember feeling anxious and alone and exhausted. I also remember a fly that had spent those three days buzzing around my room and would frequently land on my nose. I spent those days trying to sleep but that fly just kept landing on my nose. It wouldn’t leave me alone. Finally, my frustration got the better of me and I grabbed a newspaper, rolled it up and cornered the fly against my bedroom window. SWAT. As I watched his splattered body drip down the glass of my window, I started to cry. An uncontrollable sobbing took over my body. It wasn’t until that moment that I realized the only thing that had paid any attention to me for those three days, was that fly, and I killed him! I was horrified. This was my first glimpse at the real meaning of empathy and gratitude, the way I had come to understand those ideas until that point, and the way I understood them every day after. I learned in that moment that I had the capacity, given the right circumstances, to be overwhelmingly grateful for the attention of a fly, and I would discover later, I could feel that empathy and gratitude for most anything. That lesson has stayed with me since. And I do know how ridiculous this sounds, but here is the thing, I don’t care! If you are ever fortunate enough to have a perspective shift that profound in your life, two things will happen, 1) You will never ever forget that moment and 2) Every fly you find in your home from that point on will be ceremoniously escorted through an open door or window with the empathy and gratitude. What I am trying to illustrate is that empathy is an appreciation of the energy and experience of another and a sense of gratitude when you recognize that another person (or fly) is choosing to share their energy with you.  No matter the conditions.  Even if they are having a bad day. If they are sharing that with you, it’s your task not to put any balme or value or judgement on their experience, but simply appreciating their time and energy, be grateful for it. That’s what empathy means to me.  From that lens, people from varying different backgrounds offer an opportunity to really put this to practice.  Everyone is deserving of love, and when you begin understanding empathy as an appreciation of someone else’s energy,  its is much easier to feel that for most anyone or any thing.

Thanks for sharing that. So, before we get any further into our conversation, can you tell our readers a bit about yourself and what you’re working on?
I write a five book children’s book series, “The Adventures of Kate and Nate” about two “first mates” sailing their boat, “The Happy Marriage” around the world. The seas can be choppy, the fog can throw them off course, but they continue to make healthy choices along the way. The books “are designed to show children a practical example of a successful partnership through the metaphor of two kids sailing the world together. They learn about fear, empathy, gratitude and most importantly, that “your choice is your voice. The initial moment of inspiration for “Kate’s First Mate” (the first book in the series) came one night while I was talking with a friend on the phone. She was going through a breakup and I knew how much she wanted her relationship to work. It made me take a look at my own life and where I was in regards to relationships. I wasn’t particularly happy and took stock of my past. While grateful for the lessons I had learned, the idealist in me wished I had been given an instruction manual on relationships to save me from the heartache I had caused other people and the heartache I had received. I thought about how much time we could save the next generation if we could just present them with a practical relationship story.

I couldn’t think of any stories we read to boys about relationships, and the only stories that are geared toward girls seem to be princess stories where the child is always an orphan, they are relegated to doing housework—implying that being self-sufficient is a form of punishment—and there is always an old woman trying to kill them. Finally, in the last pages of the book, they are saved by a prince who promises a lifetime of protection because of his station in life. It is assumed that because he is royalty and has money, the heroine will never have to worry again. … I felt like there was an opportunity to try a new fairy tale. I knew my story couldn’t have any of these old archetypes. I needed to challenge them all at once if I was going to try at all.

I was further motivated by a series of events: First I remember a professor saying, “Kids can’t mess up in this day and age. Their whole lives are chronicled on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter, and if they step out of line, it will go down on their permanent record. I am nervous for the next generation if we do not allow them to fail. We learn our greatest lessons from our biggest failures.” I knew that if I were to tackle this project, it would have to include a character that was OK with making mistakes. After all, who hasn’t made a mistake in a relationship?

Another event was an interview I saw with Warren Buffett and Bill Gates at Columbia University. They were having a Town Hall meeting and opened the floor up to students with questions.

One student asked, “You both knew early in your careers what you wanted to do in your life. What advice do you have for those of us who are a little bit unclear?”
Warren Buffet replied, “First of all, I’d say marry the right person. [LAUGHTER] And I’m serious about that. [APPLAUSE] It will make more difference in your life. It will change your aspiration, all kind of things. It’s enormously important who you marry.”

Here is one of the most successful people in our time and the first bit of advice he gives to an MBA student is, essentially, “Choose the right mate.” … I was always led to believe I had no say in the matter. I assumed that if I was caught up in the whirlwind of love and emotions, then that must be the person I was meant to be with. But this exchange gave me a new perspective. What if we choose to be caught up in the whirlwind? What if it is a choice? I was motivated to make sure my books included moments where Kate needed to make choices about who was best suited to be in her life. In order to do that, she needed an identity outside of her search for a mate. She needed a passion or talent in life that she wanted to share, which made choosing the right first mate all the more important!

There is so much advice out there about all the different skills and qualities folks need to develop in order to succeed in today’s highly competitive environment and often it can feel overwhelming. So, if we had to break it down to just the three that matter most, which three skills or qualities would you focus on?
I think most success stories have common themes and certain characteristics that make them success stories. There is something about a famous artists that makes her famous beyond her ability to paint. There are many great writers but only a few that have achieved success or publication. It has to be more than just raw talent. I think three qualities or skills that I have had to learn or hone along the way and I would recommend anyone starting out are:

1) Don’t be afraid to learn a new skill. It seems like everything involves some sort of technology these days. You may need to learn a new computer program, industry standard, corporate food chain etc to develop your idea. You may need to consume media you wouldn’t ordinarily do, to understand ever-changing cultural norms or popular themes. You have what it takes to open your mind and learn something completely new, especially if your driving force is something that you believe in and want to create.

2) Take very opportunity, no matter how small or inconsequential it may seem. This idea can be overwhelming in this day and age because technology has exponentially increased available opportunities. Opportunity is everywhere now, 24/7. Don’t be overwhelmed and don’t fall into the trap of thinking that only “Big” opportunities are worth investing in. Any one person that enthusiastically wants to hear your story and is willing to invest genuine attention and interest into what you have to say, is worth a thousand vacant stares. Also, that one person knows a lot of people just as interested as she is in what you are up to.

3) Trust chance. Random encounters, elevator rides, coincidence … there is a formula to chance. I believe when you are focused on developing your idea, you are sending vibrations of thought out that attract other like minded people. You may just bump into someone on the elevator that has the key that unlocks your idea. Trust it. Nothing is random.

What would you advise – going all in on your strengths or investing on areas where you aren’t as strong to be more well-rounded?
Go all in! Always play towards your strengths. This doesn’t mean shy away from things you aren’t good at. You may need to learn a computer program, or a design software or read a book about some new industry you are trying to tap into. But if you are a writer, write. If you are a painter, paint. That is your calling card … your expression. I knew I wanted to write a story that could help parents begin the conversation about relationships with their children. I knew I wanted it to be a picture book but I am a terrible artist… so I hired one. (two actually) and their input, talent and ideas changed and shaped and inspired what I was creating. If I tried to do it all myself, I wouldn’t have had that collaborative experience and it profoundly changed the way I was thinking about my own idea. Granted, I had to learn a few new computer programs and set up an instagram business account and web site, but most of the new technology is designed to be relatively easy to learn. Going all in on your strengths and working with other people that are strong in areas you aren’t, gives you opportunities for rich collaboration that will only enhance your idea.