We caught up with the brilliant and insightful Danielle DeBay a few weeks ago and have shared our conversation below.
Danielle, so great to have you with us and we want to jump right into a really important question. In recent years, it’s become so clear that we’re living through a time where so many folks are lacking self-confidence and self-esteem. So, we’d love to hear about your journey and how you developed your self-confidence and self-esteem.
When I think back on my confidence and self-esteem over the years it looks like a wave that ebbs and flows. It comes in and goes out as change happened in my external world. When I was younger I didn’t have a lot of confidence in anything except being smart. I held onto that confidence and tried to take it with me when I went to college. That’s when I was at one of my most confident flows. I felt like I belonged, I did well, and all of the external things seemed to line up with my internal world.
After college there was an ebb in my confidence, not knowing where I might get a job, going through a breakup, moving back in with my mom, all those things took the confidence I thought I had. I didn’t know who I was anymore without those things I had.
Between that time and right before I started the coaching program I took, it ebbed and flowed depending on what was happening. Depending when I knew who I was and when I didn’t. I placed my confidence and self-esteem on the circumstances of my life thinking that determined who I was rather than on the person I know myself to be.
It wasn’t until I really started to focus on myself, what it is I needed, who I really am, and all the internal questions we start to ask ourselves when we’re at a crossroads in life. That was when I realized where my confidence really comes from. It’s not from the outside world or circumstances around me. It comes from knowing exactly who I am, what I’m capable of, what my strengths are, and what I have to offer. That confidence doesn’t ebb so much anymore. Of course I have moments of doubt, but the waves don’t come as often.
The times in my life when I was in flow with my confidence happened when I knew who I was.
As I grew and kept finding out more about myself I started to get to really know, accept, and love all parts of myself.
Great, so let’s take a few minutes and cover your story. What should folks know about you and what you do?
I’m a Self-Worth Guide who helps people become more aware of who they are by uncovering their shadow parts and subconscious tendencies. I guide people back to who they were before they were conditioned to be a certain way for others. What’s most exciting about the work I do is seeing how people light up and open themselves up to possibilities once they’re able to see the conditioning that’s held them back from what they’ve been wanting. It feels special because I get to witness their growth and watch them flourish long after we’ve worked together.
I will note that the work I do with people can be uncomfortable at times. I ask them to face things they’ve never faced before and to really go deep, which isn’t the norm, so the people I work with have to have a willingness to get really honest with themselves and have the courage to go places within they’ve never gone before.
One of the ways I do this with clients is in my 4-month Befriend Your Shadow journey. We work intimately together to shed light on the rejected parts (things they fear, shame or have guilt around) that have been hidden in the shadow. Through compassion and acceptance they will become friends with these parts and create a healthy and loving relationship with themselves that they can cultivate and nourish.
If you had to pick three qualities that are most important to develop, which three would you say matter most?
The three qualities that were most impactful on my journey were and still are awareness, compassion, and courage. The awareness to see what’s really happening and why.
The compassion to hold myself and others as we navigate a world we have no true map to navigate.
The courage to change, made decisions, and take action on what feels necessary.
For anyone who’s on this journey of self discovery, these are three qualities I recommend they cultivate. My advice in how to do so is to use them in conjunction with each other. When you become aware of a certain aspect of yourself, have compassion as you work through it before you move on to the courage to make changes, if that’s what you want.
As an example, I became aware of just how much I was a people pleaser. I uncovered all the evidence that was there. When I found this out, I held compassion in my heart knowing that I did so as a way to protect myself. I’m not a bad person for people pleasing, I just no longer want to be that person. Then I decided what kind of changes I needed to make for myself. Even after I did that, I became aware of more ways I was doing it and went through the cycle again. Part of having compassion for yourself is also for when you think you’re repeating patterns.
Do you think it’s better to go all in on our strengths or to try to be more well-rounded by investing effort on improving areas you aren’t as strong in?
I fully believe it’s better to go all in on our strengths than to be more well rounded to invest in areas you’re not as strong in. Here’s an example I’ll give.
Let’s say you’re a musician, a pianist to be specific. You have this somewhat natural talent. If I tell you that it’s a strength, but you should really learn how to play the drums as well, it’s time and energy away from mastering the thing you know you have a strength in. If you spend time learning to play the drums before you’ve mastered the piano, it’s time used against your strengths.
I believe we’ve been so focused on individualism in our society that we’ve foolishly made people believe they need to be good at everything, and that’s just not going to happen. When we think about ourselves as a collective, we can encourage each other to continue building our strengths because that’s how we positively contribute to the world.
Continuing with the piano player, they have the ability to bring artistry and create beautiful music that will benefit anyone who hears it. We all need music in our lives, this is a way they’re able to contribute and add love into the world. The same could be said for a basketball player, someone who loves numbers and becomes a mathematician, and so on.
I have worked with enough people to see that too often we hide our strengths because we think we need to work on the things we’re not good at, which cultivates a sense of not being enough if we can’t do all the things. It’s enough to focus on your strengths and bring that into the world. In fact, I think it’s necessary.
Contact Info:
- Website: https://www.danielledebay.com/
- Instagram: @danielledebay
- Linkedin: www.linkedin.com/in/danielle-debay-92800314
- Youtube: http://www.YouTube.com/@ddebay
Image Credits
Jennifer Coffey
