Alright – so today we’ve got the honor of introducing you to Dr. Matthew L. Kane. We think you’ll enjoy our conversation; we’ve shared it below.
Dr. Kane, looking forward to learning from your journey. You’ve got an amazing story and before we dive into that, let’s start with an important building block. Where do you get your work ethic from?
That’s a good question. Let me share a story that I think connects. In the summer going into 8th grade, I knew I wanted to try out for my middle school Basketball team. I not only wanted to make the team, but I wanted to really showcase how good I was. You know, prove a point. So, I hung up a sign in the doorway of my bedroom. It was written in black marker, on a simple piece of loose-leaf paper with the words, “everyone is working, will you?” I could see it every single morning, and I used it every single morning as motivation to get up and do something to fulfill my dreams. And so, I worked. Early on I learned a push-up and ab routine from my older brother. And so, I was doing 600 push-ups and abs 5 days a week. I was running wind sprints, with ankle weights, in my driveway, in between practicing my finger roll lay-up and mid-range jumper.
Every single year I played sports (going through all of college) I drew motivation from that sign. Sometimes seeing it, sometimes envisioning it while I was away. Often with a ferocious, yet, internal anger, I would say to myself “go Matt go, shut them all up, show them how good you are.” This led to me making teams, becoming an annual team captain, and record holder not only in high school, but at my DI college in Track and Field. But something was missing…
The truth was, I was profoundly depressed. Surrounding myself with athletic and academic achievements I could avoid it. By working harder and harder I could keep a distance between me and my feelings of sadness. However, after college my identity as an athlete ended, and I couldn’t keep that distance anymore. It all came crashing in around me, yet this was not the end of my story, but the beginning.
For so long my work ethic came from a core belief that I was not enough. Having grown up a black man around white people who were not aware of their own biases, many of them instilled in me their narrative about black people. Things like I was a problem in class, I was not smart enough to succeed or that sports were my only way I could find success and any other black stereotype you can think of. And me, a tender aged elementary school student at the time, unknowingly believed them. And so, I worked my a** off every day trying to prove that I was enough, so they would see me as enough.
This was the real reason why the closing of my athletic identity, which I was told was the only way I could find success, was so painful to me. It made me doubt my ability to find success or community. However, looking back it was a necessary suffering I had to go through so I could redefine myself.
The amalgam of rage and feelings of inferiority which served as motivation in my past I now had to work to undo. With the help of mentors and those I consider family, I (re)learned that I was born with enough. That I was enough. I learned to find motivation through abundant love and compassion rather than the scarcity mindset that was given to me. This is where my work ethic comes from. It is what helped me earn my Master’s and Doctoral degree while writing my first book. It is what filled me with the levity of hope when I had difficult times so I could remember, “I can persevere.” I work ferociously for things I love and find passion in, because I want to, and can. Not because I need to so I can prove I am worthy.
And so that sign (now 19 years old) still remains in my bedroom door. I still think about it every now and again. But no longer to beat myself beat myself up, rather as a loving question. Which I’m allowed to say, “nah I’m good” hahaha.
Appreciate the insights and wisdom. Before we dig deeper and ask you about the skills that matter and more, maybe you can tell our readers about yourself?
I do a multitude of things, and I intentionally chose this path of multiplicity. My main thing is being a therapist. I do individual, couple and family therapy in the state of Pennsylvania and I absolutely love what I do. It is such a continually humbling and privileged position to walk with clients through all the things that life can bring to a person. The most exciting part of it is really not knowing what the day has in store, but that I have the ability to meet them in a place of compassion.
I also do consultation for organizations that can range from facilitating grants, like I’m doing right now on how to improve our juvenile justice system, or consultation on how to improve a company’s efficiency and psychological safety at the intersection of multiculturalism and socio-cultural identity.
Next, I do writing focused mostly on social justice and identity. For example, I wrote a book entitled Walk with Me: Stories of Black Men’s Resilience and Well-being through Twin-Pandemics. Since writing the book I have done interviews, book signings and speaking engagements centered on the topic of social justice and liberation over the last few years in our country. Specifically, what happened and how we can/need to improve.
Lastly, I’m a professor. I serve as an adjunct professor for the University of Kansas and Iona University teaching a couple and family course and a diagnosis course.
There is so much advice out there about all the different skills and qualities folks need to develop in order to succeed in today’s highly competitive environment and often it can feel overwhelming. So, if we had to break it down to just the three that matter most, which three skills or qualities would you focus on?
There are so many words to choose from, I think it’s more about where we set our intentions, but before I can discuss this, let’s pick 3 words that I needed and still use to succeed: Relentless, humble, and curious.
One of my favorite books is Siddhartha by Hermann Hesse. And my favorite line from the book is at the end when the main character says to his friend, who spent his whole life “searching” for meaning, this quote: “What should I possibly have to tell you, oh venerable one? Perhaps that you’re searching far too much? That in all that searching, you don’t find the time for finding.” I needed to make more time for finding and less time searching because I would miss so much around me as I went in pursuit of something that didn’t exist in the present moment. I tried, and still try to do this with a relentless, humble, curiosity. Continually trying to be open to learning like a child who sees the night sky for the first time. Remembering that I have spent time engaging in critical discourse to the highest level, but humble enough to know I don’t really “know” anything. And lastly, doing this and my other goals with a relentlessness. Allowing myself to feel my emotions from the process, while reminding myself that I have the ability to continue. I have the ability to perpetually grow.
Now it wasn’t the question; however, like I said, the intention is more important. My intention behind this is to practice compassion. To practice, as a follower of Zen, “not knowing,” but trying to do for myself what I need, so I can do for others what they need. Both must exist.
Okay, so before we go, we always love to ask if you are looking for folks to partner or collaborate with?
I am always looking to collaborate! Whether it is clinical consultation, referral or writing. Right now, I am actually working on another social justice writing project and am looking for co-authors on it. Feel free to reach out to me via Instagram @findingexhale or check out my website to get more information on the type of person/services I provide at findingexhale.com
Contact Info:
- Website: findingexhale.com
- Instagram: @findingexhale
- Linkedin: Dr. Matthew L. Kane, PhD
