Meet Heather Cronemiller

We were lucky to catch up with Heather Cronemiller recently and have shared our conversation below.

Heather, so great to be with you and I think a lot of folks are going to benefit from hearing your story and lessons and wisdom. Imposter Syndrome is something that we know how words to describe, but it’s something that has held people back forever and so we’re really interested to hear about your story and how you overcame imposter syndrome.
I can’t say that I have overcome imposter syndrome. I can say that I am overcoming imposter syndrome though.

I have been so lucky to get asked to do some absolutely amazing collaborations in the last couple of years. The one that I am most proud of is being a co-author on the book Going Deeper for Women: How Your Inner Child Impacts Your Love and Sex Addiction and the Going Deeper for Women workbook. My co-authors had both published books before this project and I felt like the little baby author trying to keep up with these two.

I am a mental health therapist who specializes in treating people who engage in problematic sexual and romantic behaviors. More specifically, I specialize in treating women who have had affairs, including emotional affairs. Prior to the book project, a colleague of mine named Lacy Bentley had asked me to collaborate on creating courses to help women. She has been a women’s recovery coach for many years and has written the book Addicted to Love: Recovery, Empowerment, and Finding Your True Self. We created a couple of e-courses and, while we were marketing them, we received a networking inquiry from Dr. Eddie Capparucci. I admit, I was a little star struck. I was familiar with Dr. Capparucci’s work and had facilitated a book group using the original Going Deeper book. We set up a time to chat. Of course, as my luck would have it, Lacy wasn’t able to make the networking meeting and I was left to my own devices. I remember feeling so shaky right before the call.

Turns out that Dr. Capparucci was great to chat with. I talked about the work Lacy and I did, as he was looking for referral sources for women sex and love addicts who reached out to him. He worked almost exclusively with male addicts and needed trustworthy people to refer women out to. When I started talking to him about my familiarity with his book, he told me that he had been looking for someone to help him create the women’s counterpart to his Going Deeper book and wondered if Lacy and I would be interested. I said “YES” right away. I couldn’t believe my luck. And luck what I attributed my success to for a long time.

Enter the thoughts of imposter syndrome. “You only got this opportunity because you connected with the right people at the right time. You didn’t actually do anything to deserve this opportunity. What makes you think you can write a book?”

Although I had worked in the mental health field for over a decade at that point, both of my co-authors had more years of experience in this particular niche. Immediately, we (but it felt like it was my two co-authors instead of us three) started ironing out details including how we would publish, what tasks we would hire out, what a contract would look like, etc. That just increased the voices in my head that I didn’t belong alongside these two. We used Dr. Capparucci’s framework and tweaked it to be more applicable to women. Lacy had previously worked with a book writing coach to publish her book and she came with strategies to organize the material and make tangible plans for how the book would come together.

I did my best to remind myself that we all had strengths that we brought to the team. For example, although Lacy had worked with more women over her career, I have had the unique experience of working with all genders and used that experience to help clarify the nuances between men and women. I was the one on the team that had clinical education with application with women with love and sex addiction. I was the only one on the team who completed the trainings to gain the Certified Sex Addiction Therapist (CSAT). I knew Dr. Capparucci’s model inside and out. Finally, the world of mental health has come leaps and bounds in the last few decades. It’s safe to say that Dr. Capparucci’s education looked significantly different than mine, so even though I have fewer years between my education and writing the book, I thought maybe my education was more updated.

I’m still battling the Imposter Syndrome. Our little team has been doing podcasts to advertise the book. Lacy, Dr. Capparucci, and the podcast hosts are incredibly polished and talk so eloquently about what they do. I feel like I’m constantly stumbling over my words and talking way to quickly. I don’t always feel sure how to end my sentences so a lot of them end in “sooooo….. yeah”. Today we completed a podcast and the host asked us how we got to be “pioneers in the field”. I felt like saying, “I just got lucky,” or “Because I met the right people”. I had to recalibrate and remind myself of everything I brought to the table. The best collaborations include people of varying experiences and education. I know that we wrote a book that will help even more women because we all worked on it.

Aside from reminding myself of the value I bring with me, I also surround myself with other entrepreneurs who are succeeding. This reminds me that it is possible to be a regular-old person and have a successful business where I am making a decent amount of money. I am just as talented as the other entrepreneurs who are “making it”. I reiterate to myself almost daily that if they can do it, I can do it too. I need to put in the blood, sweat, and tears, but I believe that I can build the business and the life that I dream of. It’s not always going to be easy, but the journey would not be as rewarding if it all came easy.

Thanks for sharing that. So, before we get any further into our conversation, can you tell our readers a bit about yourself and what you’re working on?
As I mentioned in my story, I am a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist. I help people, primarily women and queer folx, overcome compulsive sex and romantic behaviors. The people I tend to work with are people who have had multiple affairs (including emotional affairs) who are looking to break the cycle. Often they want to do stop the behaviors in order to save their marriage or relationship. It is also common that my clients have had issues at work such as obsessively watching porn when they are supposed to be working or giving up important social events to engage in addictive behaviors. The primary theme is that romance and sexual behaviors are no longer enhancing their lives. It has become a detriment. I work with people to gain skills and replace the unhelpful behaviors with healthy skills, then dig into the root of the problem. As my book title suggests, those answers are often found in childhood. When clients are able to identify the childhood wounds that lead to problematic behaviors, then figure out what need they were trying to meet with compulsive behaviors and find better ways to get their needs met, clients don’t need to rely on unhealthy behaviors to run away from feelings.

There is so much advice out there about all the different skills and qualities folks need to develop in order to succeed in today’s highly competitive environment and often it can feel overwhelming. So, if we had to break it down to just the three that matter most, which three skills or qualities would you focus on?
I think three qualities that were most impactful on the journey are courage, perseverance, and a thirst for knowledge. Being a business owner and marketing myself and my books does not come naturally to me. I don’t like to be in the spotlight. However, because I believe being a business owner and doing this marketing work will help me achieve my goal of helping a lot of people and give me the flexible schedule I need, I decided to gather up all my courage and give it a try. There has, and continues to be, many difficulties along this road. I’m not quitting. I readjust course, gather advice, and strategize, but I’m not giving up. I admit, somedays I really really want to give up. But I know it’ll be worth it. Finally, I’m a lifelong student. I’m constantly learning about ways to support my clients and build a better business. All of these qualities have been vital to my sucess.

Who is your ideal client or what sort of characteristics would make someone an ideal client for you?
My ideal client is someone who is dedicated to making change in their lives. They have seen how negatively their behaviors have impacted their lives and they are ready to take responsibility. I particularly enjoy working with people who consider themselves love addicts. These are people who are constantly searching for the perfect partner who will “complete them”. They fantasize about how their life will be when they finally find their soul mate. Sometimes they are in committed relationships but are still looking for that special person who will make all their problems go away. Of course, no one can complete another person and obsessively trying to find that person only leads to disappointment and disillusionment. They are ready to find real love—worts and all.

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Image Credits
Photos by Sweet Light Studio

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