Alright – so today we’ve got the honor of introducing you to Jessi Kneeland. We think you’ll enjoy our conversation, we’ve shared it below.
Jessi, so great to have you with us and we want to jump right into a really important question. In recent years, it’s become so clear that we’re living through a time where so many folks are lacking self-confidence and self-esteem. So, we’d love to hear about your journey and how you developed your self-confidence and self-esteem.
I believe we’re all born feeling good enough, and that it’s only the messages we get and the experiences we have that teach us otherwise, so I view the process of developing confidence and self-esteem more as a stripping away of the false beliefs and shame we’ve learned about how we’re *not* good enough. I’ve had to unlearn a lot of things about myself that people have taught me both implicitly (ie: that my value was dependent on my appearance, or that I’m accountable for how other people treat me) and explicitly (ie: that I’m too aggressive/ambitious, or not sweet/feminine enough) to accept and love myself as I am. I feel good about who I am now, not because I’m perfect (far from it!) but because I’ve untangled my own opinion of myself from other people’s opinions of me, and come to understand rejection as a misalignment between people, rather than an indictment of who I am. Nobody can be *everyone’s* cup of tea, so I’ve cultivated a strong sense of self-worth and self-respect by focusing my attention only on becoming a person that *I* like, love, and respect. This has meant getting super clear on my own personal top values, connecting to myself and my body so that I’m always coming from a place of embodied authenticity, and practicing self-compassion for my weaknesses and mistakes. As an added bonus, doing this internal work has made it easier to find the people who understand, appreciate, and celebrate the whole truth of who I am as a person, which has been invaluable to reinforcing the new beliefs about myself as good and worthy!
Let’s take a small detour – maybe you can share a bit about yourself before we dive back into some of the other questions we had for you?
I’m a body image coach, speaker, and author of the book BODY NEUTRAL: A Revolutionary Guide to Overcoming Body Image Issues. I run my own business online, and I’m on a mission to change the way we understand and talk about body image issues! Most people think their body image issues are actually about the way they look, so they often can’t figure out why they care so much, or why they can’t seem to stop stressing, distressing, or obsessing over their body or appearance. They end up feeling a lot of shame, not only about their bodies, but also about their body image issues, because they think they must be stupid, broken, vain, or “crazy” for caring so much about something so silly. But actually nothing could be further from the truth! Most people don’t realize their body image issues aren’t really about how they look after all, but rather about the false or inflated meaning, moral judgment, associations, and significance they have with different kinds of people and bodies! Our body image issues MAKE SENSE when we understand that they exist for a deeper reason- they’re always trying to help us or protect us in some way, usually as a sort of “subconscious strategy” to solve a problem, meet a need, or protect us. This is why most people can’t overcome them with positive affirmations or logic; that stuff doesn’t get to the underlying root cause for their body anxiety, obsession, hatred, or shame. My job is to help people identify and address the specific underlying reason for their body image issues, so that they can do the work needed to finally break free. In my book I offer the exact step-by-step process for doing that that I use with my private coaching clients, starting with a system I created called the 4 Body Image Avatars. The 4 avatars represent the four main umbrella categories I saw people falling into when it came to the underlying root cause of their body image issues, and by taking the self-assessment quiz and reading about common characteristics and experiences of each avatar, people can stop judging themselves for their struggle, and more quickly and easily identify the hidden purpose of their struggle. I love being able to provide people with the immediate sense of relief and self-compassion that comes from realizing there’s nothing wrong with them for struggling with body image, as well a path to overcoming body image issues that’s actually realistic and achievable for everyone! I gave a TEDx talk years ago called Body Image: Not Just About Your Body that I’m still really proud of (it has almost 70k views!) and lately I’ve been super excited to do more speaking events about body neutrality and the 4 Body Image Avatars, because this is a brand new way of understanding and healing body image issues!
There is so much advice out there about all the different skills and qualities folks need to develop in order to succeed in today’s highly competitive environment and often it can feel overwhelming. So, if we had to break it down to just the three that matter most, which three skills or qualities would you focus on?
Oh gosh, that’s so hard! I’m a college dropout autodidact with an insatiable thirst for knowledge, and I’ve been ferociously reading, learning, and absorbing new skills and knowledge for the last two decades across a wide variety of topics and sources! I’d say the three qualities that have been most impactful are:
1. Courage. It’s SO scary to really face yourself, including both the hard stuff (like your pain, shame, trauma, and neediness) and the stuff that seems like it should be easy or pleasant (like your pleasure, joy, desire, and intuition). It takes so much courage to go inward and meet yourself in your wholeness; the good, the bad, and the ugly. It often feels a lot safer and easier to avoid ourselves (for example, by spending our lives distracted by the pursuit of external validation or “perfection”), but ALL the things we want most—authenticity, belonging, self-acceptance, peace, intimacy, and contentment—are on the other side of courage.
2. A shift in accountability. Most of us have internalized a victim-blaming model of accountability in which everything that happens to us is our fault. We learn that respect has to be “earned,” so other people’s behavior becomes OUR responsibility, and we’re supposed to look/act in ways that “make” other people treat us with respect. This makes us inadvertently hold ourselves (or our bodies) accountable for the bad things that happen to us, and leads to a lot of shame and anxiety (not to mention body image issues!). Shifting accountability for other people’s thoughts, feelings, and behavior from ME to THEM is one of the most powerfully healing and empowering things I ever did, and I see the same thing play out for a lot of my clients!
3. Curiosity. The human experience is strange and fascinating and complex, and curiosity is often the secret antidote to judgment and criticism. It’s very easy to adopt a judgmental or critical view, but judgments have a concrete finality to them, so there’s nowhere to go and nothing to do from there. Curiosity, on the other hand, leaves a lot of room for exploration, growth, compassion, and change! For example, if you believe you can’t love your body because you’re fat, and that you’re fat because you “lack discipline,” then there’s nothing to do but feel bad about yourself, right? But what if you got curious, and started asking what else might be going on? You might get curious about what factors (other than body size) are at play for you on a more confident day versus a more insecure one, explore what beliefs or associations you carry about body size, or start asking yourself what you think would actually be different in your life if you were thinner. Not only does curiosity lift some of the shame and hopelessness of judgment, it also gives you somewhere to go to change things!
How would you describe your ideal client?
I always say my ideal client is anyone who wants to feel like how they look is the least important and interesting part of who they are, because that’s where body neutrality will take them!
Typically these are people struggling with body anxiety, shame, obsession, hatred, or dysmorphia, who are sick of spending so much mental and emotional energy on their bodies. They want to be able to get dressed, take and see photos of themselves, have sex, go on vacation, and just relax and enjoy their lives, without getting upset about how they look. They want to stop compulsive body-checking behaviors, like weighing themselves, picking themselves apart in the mirror, or repeatedly trying on the same piece of clothing to see how it fits. They want to be able to eat and exercise in a way that is healthy, sustainable, and stress-free. They want to stop obsessing over what other people think and feel about them, stop ruminating on their failures and beating themselves up for mistakes, and stop seeking external validation and perfectionism. More than anything, they want to feel calm, worthy, confident, and good enough, no matter HOW they look (and no matter how they would PREFER to look!).
Beyond that, my ideal client recognizes that their body image issues exist for a deeper reason, and are willing to be brave, get curious, and dig deep to identify the underlying reason they exist!
Contact Info:
- Website: https://www.jessikneeland.com/
- Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/jessikneeland/?hl=en
- Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/jessikneeland/
- Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/jessi-kneeland-596709b4/
- Twitter: https://twitter.com/jessikneeland
- Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/c/JessiKneeland
- Other: I have a podcast called This Is (Not) About Your Body: https://rss.com/podcasts/jessikneeland/
Image Credits
All photos are by Drew Hughes
