We were lucky to catch up with Mary Willcox Smith recently and have shared our conversation below.
Hi Mary Willcox, really happy you were able to join us today and we’re looking forward to sharing your story and insights with our readers. Let’s start with the heart of it all – purpose. How did you find your purpose?
I found my purpose by living through something, wishing I’d done it differently, and deciding to help others so they don’t do it the hard way, like I did.
We come to parenting with our childhood baggage slung over one shoulder, clutching the tools we “learned” from our parents. Thanks to a somewhat unorthodox childhood, it seems I had a lot of baggage, and my parenting toolbox was rather empty.
I grew up as the fifth of six children; I was affable and easy. My father was a brilliant trial lawyer. My mother was beautiful, hardworking, and kind. We lived in an idyllic house on the hill, rode our own horses, and played tennis at the club.
My father was also an alcoholic, paranoid, abusive, and bipolar. My mother, overwhelmed and scared, tolerated his behavior. Our homelife was one where chaos was the norm, and there were many times when my siblings and I simply couldn’t count on our parents.
I coped by being the perfect child. And I carried that through life: great college, founding and selling my own skiing holiday company in the Alps, top business school in France, American Express in NYC and South America. And then a great husband and four kids later, I found myself parenting.
I figured parenting would be the same. Clothe them, feed them, make sure they “succeed” (yes: A’s, good sports teams, make sure the one born with medical issues gets all of her medication and tube feedings at the exact right time) – what could possibly go wrong?
A lot. I learned that our past baggage can get in the way of parenting. I saw myself passing characteristics I didn’t like about myself onto my kids without meaning to. I discovered that raising kids often brings to the surface those issues we’d conveniently ignored from the past. I experienced that feeling of being powerless, unqualified, and downright scared. I found out that on top of the sheer joy and thrill of parenting, it can also be really painful.
I kept trying to instill new systems in our household in the hopes of improving behavior. But none had traction for more than a week or two. I turned to outsiders and hired therapists for me, for them, for all of us, and despite some minor shifts, the long-term transformations I was seeking didn’t seem to materialize. When I saw my own anxiety and depression rising up in my own girls, I really sat up.
Then one day I had a minor, but seminal, epiphany. I was alone with one of my daughters. She was mad about something and making a show of not listening. My patience was waning quickly.
But for whatever reason, that day, I began to think about my little girl and her unfortunate behavior in the context of my own parenting research. I had read many times about children’s behavior being an overt manifestation of the bigger issues lurking underneath.
I was suddenly really curious about her story. I started asking her questions, and she opened up in a way I’ve never seen before. It was visible—her eyes brightened, her tone changed, and the tension dropped from her shoulders. And then something remarkable happened. Over the next few days, this child, the one who was usually the source of my greatest frustration as a parent, behaved better. She emptied the dishwasher without being asked. She left her sisters alone in situations where normally she’d push buttons. Her step was just a little bit lighter. She was more cooperative and kind. The transformation was subtle and it didn’t last forever, but the change was enough for me to take notice.
It wasn’t luck. I had also studied experts on shame, over-parenting, under-parenting, resiliency, and self-esteem. I’d developed a passion for neuroscience and child development. I’d personally worked with therapists to understand anxiety and depression as well as the brain and our triggers. But when it really clicked for me was when I saw myself get it right and wrong with my own children.
And I realized that it wasn’t about overhauling me or my systems, it was about taking advantage of the moment. It was turning moments–good, bad, ugly, awful, joyful, and painful–into a moment of connection and growth. No, not every moment. We’re human; some moments are just meant to be survived. It’s definitely not about getting it all right, all the time, but it does all come back to one thing: connection. When my girls felt like I had really seen them and heard them, life was easier.
I knew I had to help other parents so I became a Certified Master Life Coach and Positive Parenting expert. Professionally I am building and scaling a business to increase awareness, educate, and support parents because I wish I’d known then (when my kids were young) what I know now (now that they’re older).
My purpose now is to share the invaluable lessons I’ve learned on my journey from a challenging upbringing to my expertise as a parent coach. Parenting is a profound and often challenging experience. Helping parents to embrace some of the powerful in-the-moment opportunities between parents and children can not only have an immediate impact, but they compound, leading to a deeper bond, better behavior, and ultimately resilient kids who thrive. This is my contribution to improving children’s mental health, one family at a time.
Thanks for sharing that. So, before we get any further into our conversation, can you tell our readers a bit about yourself and what you’re working on?
My passion for why parenting can feel so paradoxical (the neuroscience and child development) coupled with my desire to help overwhelmed parents (like me) inspired the creation of my framework. The MicroStep Method is my way of equipping overwhelmed parents with the understanding and tools to turn everyday struggles into moments of connection. These moments become the character-building blocks that are the foundation for confident, empowered kids.
All day long, I talk to parents who are overwhelmed. They are worn out and very frequently shame themselves for not being better parents. It feels like we have a misguided concept of “parenting success.” We live in a world paradigm of be more, do more, achieve more. I too was right there in it.
What if instead of defining “success” solely in the context of traditional parenting measures like achievement, the perfect home, and external accomplishments, we embrace a new perspective that celebrates the small, meaningful moments that contribute to genuine connections with our children?
In that case, the true measure of success would lie in the daily efforts we make to be present, empathetic, and supportive caregivers. It’s about creating an environment where our children feel seen, heard, and unconditionally loved, irrespective of their achievements. By fostering emotional well-being and building strong bonds, we empower our children to navigate life’s challenges with resilience and confidence, which ultimately becomes our most profound achievement as parents. And, the reality is, the “traditional” measures of success will very often follow.
If I think of my professional life – and my passion—as a pyramid, at the very top I coach individual parents (or couples). Very often, parents who are struggling–or who have a struggling child–need customization and hand-holding. It’s what I wish I had had: someone not only to support me and listen but who could have offered professional expertise on what my children needed. When parents change, they change. Of all those therapists I saw, I can’t tell you how much I wish one had grabbed me by the shoulders, looked me in the eye, and said, “Mary, they need you. You are giving 100% but they need a slightly different 100%, and this is what that looks like . . . ” and then held me accountable in a way I could handle.
At the slightly wider, next level is a more affordable version of individual customization. I offer a group coaching session where parents not only get my support but a community of like-minded parents as well. We share goals, laugh, commiserate, practice, and walk away with something to try for the week ahead. There is a course they can follow, and I offer office hours for those needing a bit extra support during the week.
Because I was a frenetic, Type-A, do-everything-possible mom who was operating out of my limbic (reactive) brain, my goal was to coach people, often like me, with tools that were understandable and easy to implement. Further, I found that understanding why these, often counter-intuitive, methods bring out the best in parents and children drives our transformation and change. The aha moments for parents often come at the juncture of understanding why something works and then watching it positively impact their child. As such, my book, The MicroStep Method for the Overwhelmed Parent: Small Moments, Big Impact, is my way of passing on the lessons I learned from parenting in a way that educates parents on the how’s and why’s of connection, resiliency, and self-efficacy.
I share personal anecdotes, simplify brain science and child development theories, and offer lots of scripts. I call each lesson a moment, a MicroStep Moment, where I offer parents small, intentional steps that pivot them from overwhelm to empowerment and turn challenging situations into opportunities for deep connection and the child’s personal development.
Along with the book, I have a workbook, extra resources, and educational workshops. I will launch a MicroStep Method course in the new year. I’ve realized that people learn in many different ways and not everyone wants to jump into coaching, so this will reach a different audience.
Lastly, I am excited that a primary goal for the first half of 2024 will be to create and prepare a keynote speech. This is at the bottom of my pyramid: reaching larger audiences. I already speak for schools, parent groups and businesses, and love that part of my business. As I mentioned, so many parents come to me feeling overwhelmed and shaming themselves for not being better parents. We need to get the message out that even though social media hands us endless “perfect families”, that’s not the reality. And if I can share my story and help parents understand that it is hard and they can have an enormous impact on their child’s mental health, I’d like to believe some parents might adapt—even just slightly—what they are doing.
Parenting today is hard. Kids need their parents. And parents need support. I want to tell parents that it’s okay to not be perfect. It’s okay if your children aren’t perfect. And rather than over-hauling their parenting, small moments—MicroStep Moments—can allow them to change the course of their relationship with their children and the course of their children’s lives, one moment at a time.
If you had to pick three qualities that are most important to develop, which three would you say matter most?
There’s the obvious skills and area of knowledge that include getting a coaching degree, and studying neuroscience and child development. But in terms of being an entrepreneur, believing in myself, and developing my voice/story, I’d suggest the following three things were really important:
Hone Your Story and Voice:
I love learning and research and can easily slip down very deep rabbit holes educating myself. While this quality has absolutely increased my depth of knowledge, what truly allowed me to craft my unique story was the act of writing and speaking. A key to developing that narrative was understanding that waiting to be inspired was a fallacy. Rather, the simple act of writing, for at least 30 minutes every morning, is what helps unlock and formulate ideas. Then I extended this “jump-in” approach to videos although, admittedly, that was more public and challenging.. Speaking from my experiences and sharing what I had learned thus far forced me to not only articulate my thoughts and message but also get a sense of how it resonates. I recommend writing or speaking (or both) to help you find your voice.
Surround Yourself with Supportive People:
Perhaps the most significant obstacle I encountered early on was my own inner critic. Those persistent doubts and self-criticisms—’You’re not an expert,’ ‘Everyone already knows this,’ ‘You’ll embarrass yourself’—were like barriers standing between me and my aspirations. One of the best decisions I made was to seek out supportive communities and groups to be a part of. Whether they are free or paid, what these groups share is a community of like-minded, incredibly supportive individuals, often, for me, composed of strong, inspiring women.
Seeking support and joining such groups is not a sign of weakness; it’s a commitment to personal and professional growth: building confidence, exchanging valuable insights, and finding a sense of belonging. The key is to surround yourself with individuals who understand your journey, share your goals, and provide that support.
Have a Plan:
Having a well-thought-out plan has been essential. When you’re navigating the challenges of working independently, it’s crucial to prioritize your work and adhere to deadlines. Especially if you, like me, find yourself easily drawn to ‘shiny objects,’ maintaining focus can be a real challenge. As I often advise parents, ‘hope is not a strategy.’ Even if you don’t have a precise roadmap for the next year, setting down a few key milestones and committing to them can provide much-needed structure. Tracking your progress is equally as important; it allows you to course-correct when you veer off the path. One strategy that significantly helped me was forming a partnership with a fellow MBA student. We are each other’s accountability partners, which has proved invaluable in keeping us on track and motivated.
Awesome, really appreciate you opening up with us today and before we close maybe you can share a book recommendation with us. Has there been a book that’s been impactful in your growth and development?
Playing Big by Tara Mohr. Tara Mohr opened my mind to there being other types of experts beyond “specialists.” The true specialist is what I, and perhaps many, believe are really the only ones who can make world-changing contributions: people with advanced degrees and decades of deep experience working in the field. I often chide myself for being a jack-of-all-trades and not having one single career path.
Mohr opened my eyes. There are four types of experts, she asserts, and one of them is The Survivor: “You’ve been through something, learned a heck of a lot along the way, and now you are on fire to share what you’ve learned.” When I read that, it spoke to me. Survivors, she says, have insider insights and an ability to connect with their audience that someone simply trained in parenting—or someone without my experience—might not. Survivors can provide inspiration and role modeling. Her messages gave me the strength to jump in.
Another key takeaway from Mohr applies directly to me: don’t get in your own way, she says. If “survivor” is your source of expertise, don’t over-generalize from your experience to that of others. Since I have studied neuroscience, child development, and coaching to enhance my expertise, I sometimes find myself pulled towards what other professionals in my field are doing. But she recommends that “survivors” stick to their story and tell it as powerfully as they can. I am constantly pulling myself back in line: I have to trust that people will listen because I am honest and authentic about what did and didn’t work for me.
Contact Info:
- Website: https://www.marysmithparentcoach.com
- Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/marysmithparentcoach/
- Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/mfrsmith // private group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/marysmithparentgroup
- Linkedin: www.linkedin.com/in/mary-willcox-smith
- Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/@marysmithparentcoach/videos
- Other: private facebook group for moms of girls: https://www.facebook.com/groups/marysmithparentgroup
Image Credits
Emily Marcella Photography
