Meet S. Kay Murphy

We’re excited to introduce you to the always interesting and insightful S. Kay Murphy. We hope you’ll enjoy our conversation with S. Kay below.

S. Kay, so great to have you with us and we want to jump right into a really important question. In recent years, it’s become so clear that we’re living through a time where so many folks are lacking self-confidence and self-esteem. So, we’d love to hear about your journey and how you developed your self-confidence and self-esteem.
I’m glad you asked this question. Without going into a long history of my childhood trauma, let me just summarize by saying that, for their individual reasons, both of my parents resented me. I therefore grew up under the dark shadow of constant criticism and shaming. I am gender nonconforming, which added to my parents’ embarrassment and shame, so they passed those feelings on to me (in addition to shaming me for being shy and tenderhearted). Needless to say, by the time I reached young adulthood, I had very low self-esteem and very little confidence–except in one area. I knew I could write. It was the one thing I felt I could do reasonably well, and I clung to that. Sadly, I married a man who was very much like my father–dominant, controlling, and critical. When I left that marriage, my husband told me he would never pay child support. He never did. He thought that this would break me, that my concern for the welfare of my children would bring me back to him. In fact, it validated my reasons for leaving–and it made me more angry than I’ve ever been in my life, before or since. That anger drove me to register–at age 30–for community college. I knew I would have to get an education in order to support my children on my own. Because I was a quiet kid, an introverted adult, people assumed I wasn’t very bright. My own mother used my college money to buy me a car when I was in high school without consulting me because, as she said, “Let’s face it. You’re not college material.” I thought I’d have to be satisfied earning C’s in college. Turns out, with a lot of hard work, I was capable of A work. I earned straight A’s in my two years of community college, then transferred to the University of California in Riverside where I graduated cum laude two years later. Earning my degree was empowering–so as soon as I began my career teaching, I enrolled in a Master’s program. I graduated with honors from that program as well. Long before then, I had begun to write professionally, which was also extremely empowering. The truth is, we never know what we are capable of until we give our all–despite the naysayers–to something we feel passionately about. My burning desire was to prove to others that I am strong, smart, and capable. Along the way, I realized that I only had to prove that to myself.

Thanks for sharing that. So, before we get any further into our conversation, can you tell our readers a bit about yourself and what you’re working on?
Years before I became a high school English teacher, I taught childbirth classes. One night my class of young couples began to complain that the books available to them about Lamaze birth and other educational materials were too clinical and not very personal. They suggested I write my own book. I’d had some success as a freelance writer submitting short nonfiction pieces to magazines, so I decided to make an attempt at writing a book. One year later, the book was published by a national publisher. I was 25 years old and had as yet to attend college. Since then, I have continued to freelance and have had a number of books published. Currently what I am most proud of is the series of low fantasy novels I wrote for middle-grade kids (ages 8-12). It’s called the Dragon Singer series. My forte previously was writing memoir books or shorter pieces. But I had this vague idea for a book… which began to percolate into a trilogy… and then evolved into a four-book series. Two of the books–Fey Girl and Dragon Song–have been released already; the third will be released in early February of 2024.

Looking back, what do you think were the three qualities, skills, or areas of knowledge that were most impactful in your journey? What advice do you have for folks who are early in their journey in terms of how they can best develop or improve on these?
As I said in the discussion question, anger drove me to do the best I could possibly do in my college classes. Nowadays I think we would call that grit (which is a much better term than my generation’s use of “stick-to-it-ive-ness”). That clenched-teeth determination helped me tackle even the classes that terrified me, such as algebra and biology. Back then, I didn’t have very much support from my family. But one or two people believed in me and continued to be my cheerleaders, which helped on the days I felt I couldn’t keep going. In addition, because I began college as the single parent of four children, I had a sense of purpose. I knew I had to succeed in order for them to live their best lives. I wanted to show by example how getting an education is of value, no matter what we choose to do with it when we are finished.

My advice, then, is this: 1. Stick to it. You’ll have bad days, bad bosses, bad teachers, bad relationships. But all of those will be balanced by good things eventually. Keep moving the ball toward the goal line. 2. Find your cheerleaders–even if there are only one or two or three–and tell them they are doing you a service by cheering you on. 3. Know your purpose. Everything you do has meaning when you know what your purpose is in doing it.

What was the most impactful thing your parents did for you?
The most impactful thing my parents did for me was to make me feel ‘less than.’ I could never please them, no matter how good I was or how good my grades were. This may seem negative–and it was to me as a child–but it made me all the more determined to NEVER replicate their parenting style when I had my own children. When I began teaching high school, I treated my students with the same love, care, and sensitivity as I had my own kids. We never know what others are going through or what they endured as children that shaped them into the adults they are today. My own childhood trauma has made me a more compassionate, empathetic, and understanding adult. I have my parents to thank for that.

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Image Credits
Cover of Fey Girl: Allie Myers, artist

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