Meet Sandra Kluge

We caught up with the brilliant and insightful Sandra Kluge a few weeks ago and have shared our conversation below.

Sandra, we are so deeply grateful to you for opening up about your journey with mental health in the hopes that it can help someone who might be going through something similar. Can you talk to us about your mental health journey and how you overcame or persisted despite any issues? For readers, please note this is not medical advice, we are not doctors, you should always consult professionals for advice and that this is merely one person sharing their story and experience.
I started having panic attacks when I was 10 years old. Quickly they became my daily companion. Everytime, it felt like a switch being flipped – one moment I was fine, the next moment I froze, tunnel vision, my throat constricting, feeling a particular kind of nausea, spiraling into obsessive thoughts, wanting to escape my body and run away, horrified I would pass out or get sick. Not quite being able to contextualize what happened to me, I often felt disconnected from my environment. School was very difficult. Not because of the academia (I always had good grades and was known as a smart, diligent student), not even because of the social dynamics (I got along with pretty much everyone and had friends), but simply because the feeling of being obligated to go to school, sit in my chair, unable to leave, my schedule being decided upon by others, triggered a deep sense of claustrophobia in me, in turn making me have at least one panic attack a day.

It feels cliché to say, but what helped me back then (and today) was art: making and listening to music, my emerging tap dance practice, and drawing. Through those creative activities, I could escape the panic and find an outlet for, what I later found out, the strong feelings that were pent up within me. Once I realized that a lot of the panic is actually other emotions that I misdirect at me instead of outwards, I had a powerful tool to channel all this energy into creative pursuits.

Getting out of school definitely helped a ton – finally being able to make my own choices and decide freely. I did still have seasons of panic, though. In one particularly rough stretch when I was 18, something serendipitous happened: I was up one night, shaking with panic. Then suddenly, I had this intuition to search for meditations on YouTube. I started listening to a random one, and just a few minutes in, tears of relief started rolling down my face. My panic subsided and I was able to sleep. The next day, I thought: If just listening to a meditation had such a profound impact, what happens if I actually meditate? This was the start of my new life.
I dove deeply into all things meditation, mindfulness, self help, spirituality, metaphysics, you name it. With the slightly inflated ego of an 18-year-old, I felt like I had cracked the code. And truly, I started experiencing less panic attacks. In fact, I felt a distinct positive shift in all areas of my life.

Now, being in my late twenties, having grown into a woman that is in the midst of her life and career, creating and mindfulness are still the two main pillars of keeping on in the face of mental health issues. I still experience panic attacks, anxiety, obsessive-compulsive tendencies, and know that I am highly sensitive. But I’ve gotten much better at detecting these things early and dealing with them when they come up.

For me, acceptance and self-compassion are key. I know that every single part of me has one goal: for me to be safe. Though well-intentioned, some of these parts use strategies that are actually not as helpful as they think. I am continuously learning to stay curious and show every part of me the same love and kindness. Because all they want is to be seen and heard. I strive to get all parts of me to move into the same direction, together, rather than sabotaging each other.

I am also learning to accept my temperament. I am, by nature, highly sensitive, need lots of time with myself, and thrive in an environment of complete autonomy. Every time I try to force something against these facts of my being, my mental health declines. Thus, I try to factor these things in and not get swayed too much by the way others are doing the things that I do. It certainly takes courage to say no, and I’m glad that I’ve put in the work to now be at a stage in my life where I don’t feel like I have to agree to everything just out of desperation or financial necessity.

Every day, I take on the task of embodying the deepest love for myself through my thoughts, words, and actions. Things like consistently doing my specific morning routine, eating cleanly, taking time to unplug from any stimulation, breathing mindfully, dealing with emotions as they arise instead of bottling them up. I try to be gentle with myself, being my own best friend. This for sure helps with my mental wellbeing.

Whenever I feel tension about something, I ask myself where this tension comes from: Is it because this thing is truly not serving me or is it because I’m taking a brave step out of my comfort zone? If it’s the former, I set boundaries or say no. If it’s the latter, I face it, doing my best to hold my hand through it, to arrive on the other side of it stronger and with more experience and confidence.

Let’s take a small detour – maybe you can share a bit about yourself before we dive back into some of the other questions we had for you?
I am a tap percussionist and composer based in Brooklyn, NY. My work centers around creating frameworks for tap to function as a full music instrument embedded in the rhythm section. This includes composing, recording, and performing projects, both in solo and collaborative contexts.

With my work, I strive to elevate tap beyond the superficial image of being a mere entertainment act, or a special gimmick, but rather, a music instrument that can be part of the rhythm section if it’s treated that way. Thematically, my music touches on themes such as mindfulness, all the ways in which we can embody self-love, and befriending our emotions. A lot of my compositions are like emotional collages and diary snapshots.

The bulk of my creative work at the moment happens in the studio – composing, producing, and exploring ever-new sound worlds. Over the past two years I’ve released two singles, “Clementine” and “Misty Rose”, and there are more to come. I’m also working on a beat tape that I’m planning to release at some point this year – it centers around my project of building my own sample kits from my tap sounds, creating a variety of multilayered sound textures.

And then of course I will release a full album sometime in the next few years. That will be very exciting because music is universally impactful. Whether it’s the song we play to boost our confidence before an important event, or the song we allow ourselves to cry and release heavy emotions to, or the song that reminds us of a special someone. In this day and age, most of these songs are readily available to us wherever we are. To see a tap dance performance you have to either go to a theater or pull up a video. But a tap-based piece of music you can just access through your phone and listen to no matter where you are. The idea of people taking my music with them, hopefully getting to be a part of someone’s go-to playlists, fills me with deep satisfaction.

I also have a few live projects that I’m working on: My ongoing solo set, in which I play tap percussion, keys, and vocals through my loop station is constantly developing and shifting. Then I also started workshopping some ideas for a live concert that utilizes multiple tap percussionists, effectively translating the elements that, in a solo context, I layer either through looping or recording multiple tracks, to multiple people. It feels like playing with a human drum machine, and it’s an exciting new way to approach my rhythmic composition and arranging.

Aside from my upcoming concerts that I have listed on my website and socials, I am also constantly putting out things on my Patreon. Depending on the tier, Patrons get access to exclusive creative output that I don’t share anywhere else, previews and behind the scenes, educational content around tap technique and musicality, and even video feedback and private lessons. Patreon is a wonderful platform to create on and I encourage everyone to support their favorite artists on there. It is literally the price of a cup of coffee for the supporter, and it makes a great difference for the artist.

If you had to pick three qualities that are most important to develop, which three would you say matter most?
1. Self-awareness I would not be where I am without my lifelong desire for excellence. We only have this one life, and I want to make the most of each day that I’m given. I believe that the meaning of life is whatever meaning we give it. So I choose to live the most joyful, colorful, kind, expansive life I can. This means moving through my days mindfully, appreciating both the little and big things. It means a commitment to loving myself more deeply every day, and showing this to myself. Treating myself and others with kindness and compassion, and being an open and honest communicator. Setting boundaries and saying no, and also taking risks and saying yes. Recognizing in which environments and activities I thrive and in which ones I wilt. Doing my best to embody my emotions so that they can move through me rather than control me. Embracing change and trusting myself to be there for me, no matter how challenging times can get. I am terrified of living a mediocre life on autopilot, and so there is no other way for me to live than to go through each moments with an attitude of openness and curiosity.

2. Tenacity
You can call me stubborn and obsessive. Or tenacious and determined haha. I definitely feel both sides of this coin, but by and large I’d say that my intense will to make things happen has been serving me well so far. Already as a child, I knew exactly what I wanted and what I did not want, and there was no amount of talking or child bribery that could change my mind. When I was 15, I knew: Tap is what I want to do for a living. I cannot imagine anything else. And so I told everyone: When I finish school, I’m moving to New York City to be a professional tap artist. I finished school, moved to New York City, and am now making a living as a professional tap percussionist. Of course it’s not always easy, of course I doubt myself, of course I sometimes feel like I don’t know what I want. But overall, my intense drive to live the most fulfilling life I can imagine (see my first point) makes it so that I cannot bear anything that is not in alignment with what brings me long-term, sustainable joy and satisfaction. There is no alternative for me.

3. Minimalism
Every time someone comes into my home studio for a session, they say: “Wow, your room is so minimalistic”. And for this, I’m so grateful. I’m not exactly sure why, but the concept of clutter and “stuff” easily stresses me out quite a lot. I always need an underlying feeling of flexibility, that if I had to, I could pack up my life in a day and go wherever I want to go. I feel that attaching to or getting sentimental about material items creates unnecessary weight. Having a clean slate at all times allows for new possibilities and helps us cherish the fleeting nature of each moment much more deeply. I also feel that owning things automatically implies a responsibility: to find a space for it, to take care of it, to clean and maintain it, to honor its presence. It might sound silly, but I get nervous every time I purchase something because in a way it feels like having a child: Now I have this object in my life that I need to care for, and if I don’t need it anymore I don’t want to just toss it (now this is also a question of environmental sustainability), which means added time and energy I need to invest in it. Being a minimalist not just when it comes to things I put (or don’t put) in my home, but also when it comes to thoughts, people, and activities, is serving me very well because it helps me stay focused on what I truly want and let go of what is just unnecessary background noise.

In general, and this kind of ties in to my first point, I think that knowing yourself deeply, having a genuine, strong bond with yourself, is one of the biggest factors for happiness and fulfillment. Discovering what you want, what you need, what kinds of people energize you, what activities make you glow, what environments help you thrive, and not being afraid to design your life around these things is an important element of a life well lived. It might be that others need completely different things from you, and sometimes it might seem that you’re the only person with this specific need or feeling or desire. But if it’s truly yours, and comes from a place of love and alignment, no one can tell you who you are. Again, it’s you who gives your life the meaning you want it to have.

Before we go, any advice you can share with people who are feeling overwhelmed?
I’ve been finding that I tend to add to the overwhelm of the external world by overwhelming myself internally. Sometimes I think I’m resting because I am physically inactive, but actually my mind and nervous system are still going 100 miles a minute. Thus, I started prioritizing active rest – making sure that I am physically relaxing, breathing deeply, not looking at screens, slowing down, doing one thing at a time, and tuning into how I feel emotionally and physically. This has been a big help on especially busy days because I can use short breaks much more effectively.

Generally, I find awareness of my breath and bodily sensations to be tremendously useful to stay connected with myself and notice tension sooner rather than later. Often shaking my whole body or dancing freely for five minutes can clear my head of most feelings of overwhelm.

Writing is also very helpful – when one to-do item piles on to the next, I take a piece of paper and write down every thought that I have. That way, I see it in front of me and can put some order into the chaos of my jumbled mind.

I also constantly work on improving my systems to stay on top of all the little and big things I have to keep in mind. I’ve learned what works for me and what does not – for example, certain things are much easier for me to remember on actual paper. Others I collect in digital spreadsheets that I review on a daily basis. I think one of the most stressful factors is when I know that there are things to look at or work on, but they are hidden away somewhere in my emails or bookmarks. It is much easier dealing with unfinished tasks when I know exactly what they are, where they are, and what is left to do, rather than some foggy deadline with an unknown amount of work.

Lastly, taking care of my external environment is just as important as taking care of my internal state. As mentioned previously, being a minimalist and avoiding clutter at all cost is a big factor in keeping a clear head. I notice how my emotional state shifts into overwhelm and scatteredness whenever I’m in a cluttered or otherwise sensory overwhelming environment. As a highly sensitive person, I might be more susceptible to being affected by this, and so making sure that I’m intentional about the places I spend most of my time in is crucial.

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Image Credits
Ayesha Zangaro, Taylor Steele, Grégoire Fillion

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