Story & Lesson Highlights with Conor Grebel of Portland

We’re looking forward to introducing you to Conor Grebel. Check out our conversation below.

Conor, so good to connect and we’re excited to share your story and insights with our audience. There’s a ton to learn from your story, but let’s start with a warm up before we get into the heart of the interview. What do the first 90 minutes of your day look like?
Well I’m currently in sleep therapy + OCD therapy, so my first 90 minutes is a decided pattern I need to follow to satisfy the practices of both therapies. I have to wake up at my alarm (earlier than I want), eat a quick snack, go to my couch and do my hyperventilation breathing exercises, then spend the next hour being playful with my dog and reading news.

Can you briefly introduce yourself and share what makes you or your brand unique?
Hi, my name is Conor, and I go by the moniker Bedtimes. I’m a film / design industry refugee who is pursuing their dream of starting a creative indie game studio. I’ve had a difficult struggle with OCD which has altered my interaction with the world, but possibly also heightened my creative sensitivity. Every day I’m making efforts to get my indie game business off the ground. I hope to soon be supporting a small team of creatives who build a library of small, inspiring games.

Currently, we’re working on a wacky retro-themed party game called Rowdy Rascals. Its demo is out right now on Steam and it has a larger update coming out shortly before we start pushing heavily on funding.

Rowdy Rascals has definitely been the main project ongoing, but I do have a couple other projects nearing their demo phase as well. One of which is a Paddle Boarding survival game where you try to stay upright on increasingly outrageous rivers. It’s a very goofy concept, which has been extremely fun to work with.

Once I have a platform I also want to start slowly rolling out my series of smaller cathartic, ambient games I’ve been building over the last 8 years. I have a large library of one-off artistic “games” that lull you into a very relaxed state with visuals and music that intuitively react to your input. The goal is to give people an activity that can easily be revisited to relieve stress or feel inspired.

Okay, so here’s a deep one: What did you believe about yourself as a child that you no longer believe?
Oh I always thought I was very unintelligent, and a destined failure. Growing up, everybody around me struggled much less with school and homework, and I figured my grades were a reflection of my intelligence. I also often did not feel comfortable at home, so it makes sense to me that I felt no direction or purpose in the world.

I think after my long struggle with college and hitting rock bottom…I made my first effort to pursue my own interests and define myself. I feel my curiosity has been rewarded as an adult. I’ve had a successful career in the professional creative world, and my independent ventures in 3D art, music, and game design have been very personally rewarding. I’ve landed in a place where I feel the most confident about my ideas, and a pure hope I get to explore this space until I die.

What fear has held you back the most in your life?
OCD is awful. I still am never sure if I will ever be free. I’m awake most nights wondering if I can travel far again, if I can drink or do drugs again, if I can simply feel out of control and confident. Maybe I’ll die regretting not seeing more of the one planet I’ll ever know…I think of the Arctic countries often, what a beautiful part of the world, like an alien landscape. Will I be able to experience it before I’m gone? Maybe near the end all of my fears will suddenly seem so trivial and dismissible in retrospect….but they don’t feel that way right now. Sometimes writing these thoughts out helps motivate me to try harder to avoid that future. The up side is my therapy is working, I have ups and downs but I’m on an overall upward trend. Part of my life is just learning to live with these issues until they quiet down over time, but the rest of my life I truly enjoy. I haven’t been truly depressed in a long time, and all I want is more time to do the things I do.

I think our readers would appreciate hearing more about your values and what you think matters in life and career, etc. So our next question is along those lines. What do you believe is true but cannot prove?
Humans will be the shortest living dominant species in earth’s history. I don’t think humans are culturally or emotionally evolved enough to survive into the far future. There is no positive transhumanist outcome on our current trajectory, our individualistic culture will suffocate us in our own house. In order for our species to live out the science fiction fantasies of nomadic journeys through space, we would have to abandon our individualistic goals of having a better life than other people, and adopt the concept of improving our own lives by improving everybody’s. The existential crisis of our finite experience justifies selfish acts to better your own life, because this is all you get, and you won’t be there to suffer the consequences of your actions after you die. Unless we completely abandon the desire to be better than each other, we will always exist in a society where your success relies on stealing it from others. As a culture we are literally chaining each other into the dirt collectively. Succinctly: We always imagined ourselves as this unstoppable intelligent force that will continue to technologically evolve unimpededly until we live among the stars…but my prediction is that capitalism will be the great evolutionary filter that turns us into one of the shortest biological takeovers in earth’s history.

Okay, we’ve made it essentially to the end. One last question before you go. If you knew you had 10 years left, what would you stop doing immediately?
I feel like I would brute force my anxious ass across the globe immediately. Either Scandinavia or the Arctic. Isn’t that a crazy thought though? If I was pressured enough I would just power through my daily struggles and fears… Maybe I should consider that haha.

Beyond that, I would fast track all of my creative ideas out into the universe. I’d push out as many albums as possible because my music and interactive art is how I can connect with people after I’m gone. I want the impressions I’ve left on people with my work while I’m living to continue after I’ve died. I’d want to release as many of my games as possible so that I could see people enjoying them and witness the community that forms around them. I’ve received so many messages from random people telling me how my music or visual art has helped them through their own anxiety and depression, it’s been the most fulfilling experience with my work. If I could face death with the knowledge that those moments would continue to exist after I pass…I’ll be smiling as I go.

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